I am sorry you have taken this knock, Dexter. We Depressed suffer such much harder than others, and you must take that into consideration when you analyse your experience.

I have to agree with Soul, it is the little things we achieve which make life worthwhile, rather than great leaps in Mood elevation. For me - having vision issues now - it can be as simple as snapping a decent pic on my phone, rather than a good one on my camera. I cannot appreciate the pics fully, but at least I can share the few I manage with my family.

Do seek help for your ideation, but do not be too hard on yourself. Living with Depression is a daily grind, sometimes the help we are given helps to a degree, but in the long run we are left to deal with this illness alone as best we can. At least here we have friends who understand from experience. Maybe you have a close friend here you would feel comfortable sharing details with via PM?

Dave.