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Originally Posted by feralkittymom
I wish she'd punish me. I don't where that wish comes from.
This^ was the first thing I thought of. I know that kids will experience whatever attention they get from their parents as nurturing, even when it's abusive because bad attention is better than no attention. The need to be seen is so compelling that a child will do whatever they must to fill that need. I just wonder if on some level you are feeling less seen by your T and so you've been compelled to do the one thing that is pretty sure to bring you attention (punishment) that leaves you feeling ashamed.
Whether the experience of feeling ashamed is filling a familiar childhood need and so psychologically satisfying because it's familiar (not enjoyable consciously), or repeating a dynamic in the unconscious hope that for once you will not feel ashamed, I don't know.
It might be worth thinking about other times you've done this sort of thing: what were you feeling in therapy that may have prompted these urges?
I don't think it has anything to do with curiosity, nor wanting to be part of your T's life. It just feels like a deeper drive than that.
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Thanks, feral. I agree that my pattern of doing these things and confessing is something deep. This time I had no intention of telling her, though. I was okay with accepting that Googling is common. It was only when we were discussing what T's daughter had in common with mine that I felt like I wanted to tell her. I wanted to be able to say "Our d's have similar interests." or rather, I wanted T to say that. It brought up the limits of our relationship.
As far as confessing, I'm not judging others, but I feel like hiding the fact that I know this information is wrong, and detrimental to the integrity of the relationship I have with my T. I feel like I'm disappointing her and will be relieved to tell her. Maybe you're right about wanting the attention too, but confessing seems like something I'm compelled to do for the sake of honesty, and yes, testing to see if she "loves me anyway".
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Originally Posted by FallingFreely
You don't have to tell her, right?
I'll try to explain this as I'm seeing it. There are plenty of things we all do in private that are okay. Bowel movements, passing gas and adjusting undergarments come to mind. Nothing to be ashamed of, but socially these things are not okay to talk about. Some people don't mind hearing about it, while others as loving and caring as they may be, get put off. It's not the doing it that is the problem, its the talking about it.
I believe that looking up anything is totally fine. But if I had a friend or coworkers who approached me and told me they looked me up a lot and found pictures of my family, house, children and so on I'd be upset. The unease for me would be around someone broaching the societal norm of talking about it, not so much that they were doing it in the first place. If it's harmless I'd rather not know.
Just my opinion!
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I understand but therapy is therapy, not real life. I have a need to be totally honest with my T about everything, even about bodily functions sometimes! This time I WAS going to keep what I found out about T's d to myself, but the conversation in my session made that impossible for me.
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Originally Posted by FallingFreely
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Originally Posted by lolagrace
Kids do this because they'll take any kind of attention, even negative. In fact, the more negative the better because the reaction is stronger and more dramatic for them. Are you going for reaction? Any kind of reaction as a way to "feel" the connection? You keep saying your attachment to your T is "secure" now, but it isn't coming across that way in many of your posts. You are still very focused on that connection and attachment, so it still seems rather insecure. You may not agree with that I realize, but it is something I've noticed a lot out of your posts in the last few months
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I don't know if I'm going for reaction this time. The urge to tell came from a specific interaction in my session, which triggered my guilt and also wish for a reciprocity that I know is not part of the deal. When I was out-of-town recently, I was aware of how I didn't "need" my T. I believe I do have a secure attachment to her but of course you're entitled to view it differently.
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Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours
I am also wondering if you've talked about guilt to your therapist? Guilt in general and the extent to which it plays a role in your life and how you perceive it (so, it's utility, validity and so on) -- so, not necessarily guilt related to specific actions?
I wondered at first (rather obviously) if your need to be close was basically a need to not feel distant and since guilt can make one feel distant, getting rid of the guilt by confessing is basically a way of crossing that distance? But, maybe it's something else?
As for just the act of internet searching, I know that anything I say or other folks say about it being right or wrong won't make a difference since it's something only you can decide for yourself.
But, suffice to say that if there's a level below harmless, that's where I'd place what you did. And, I'm saying this as someone who has been accosted by total strangers (sometimes in rather creepy ways) who've searched and followed me online (with my real name having a rather minimal online footprint, that's a lot of determination) about everything ranging from my work to outside interests and even my sexuality.
So, at this point, I sort of just take it for granted that it's what people do and as long as no one is being actually threatened, it's not even something I register as significant.
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No, I haven't talked much about guilt except regarding my husband. Guilt and wanting to be punished seem worth exploring. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by Chummy
I did this too. I didn't found a lot. Most of their profiles is private. I don't feel guilty about this. I think googling her is ok. If you don't want everyone to see something, then you shouldn't post it on the internet. Or you should make it private. Looking at her boyfriends and their sibblings FB pages, that was maybe a bit out of line.
I'm not going to tell her this. It wouldn't help anything. I'm not a danger to her or anyone, just a bit curious about her. I did told her that today. I'm really curious about who she is, what she likes, what she does in her spare time. She told me to think about why I want to know this so bad and what would it do for me if I know those things.
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I don't understand how it's possible not to tell eventually. Hiding things eats away at me though I wish it didn't! My T likes to ask what the information does for me too.
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Originally Posted by SoConfused623
Great response!
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Originally Posted by AllHeart
I creep on my t's kids facebook pages once in a while strictly out of curiosity. No big deal. It's human nature to have these curiosities I think. And anything put on the internet is fair game for anyone to see. Those are the rules of the world wide web. I would never tell my t I do this but if she ever asked I'd answer honestly. I figure why make mountains out of molehills, ya know?
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I just at some point feel guilty and can't stop myself from telling.
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Originally Posted by retro_chic
I have gone really out of my way to look up my T on Facebook. Her profile is very private but her husband's is not. He posts photos pretty often and I can sometimes see what my T gets up to on weekends. I can also see comments my T makes and she has a good sense of humour. I've found out all sorts of things about my T like where she lives and that she has two young daughters and that she is good friends with the other T's that share the office space where she works. I like seeing that she's happy and seems to have a good and balanced life; it makes me feel more confident that she can help me to achieve this one day too.
I don't think I will ever tell her about all this though  |
I'm glad it helps you to see the information and you don't feel the need to tell.
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Originally Posted by nottrustin
I think it is normal to search our providers. In fact T told me she researches all her providers. I don't know to what extent she does though (facebook, etc). She tells me a lot about her personal life including her child and boyfriend. She has shown and emailed me pictures of them. I have also met her boyfriend a few times. One time in public the rest of the times at her home/office. He thinks I am a friend of hers as it was not during office hours and whenever we refer to each other to other people we have agreed to say we are a friend...even though we are not really friends. So I doubt she would be surprised to know I have checked out her son and boyfriend's facebook pages and a few other things. We just don't discuss it.
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If my T told me more. I wouldn't feel like I have to look things up! She will tell me when I ask, but doesn't disclose much. She told me her bf's first name. I know she knew I'd Google him if I knew his last name!
T didn't respond to my email where I said I was bothered and she was going to be upset with me. I will have to wait for Tuesday. I'm starting to think it's only Googling and she won't be angry. She'll want to know all of my feelings about it, and I sure have a lot!