To be honest, being in pain is all I know. I haven't been without injury or hardship longer than a few weeks time. Pain is so normal for me. I've never known what it was like to have it easy. I was taking care of a kid at age twelve. Having to be my siblings parent. Having to be the leader of the household. Having to have cancer at age 18 and keep it together for the sake of my family. Pretend nothing was wrong and act like I didn't hurt inside so that they would feel inspired to be happy regardless. Having to have PTSD only two years later and do the exact same thing. There has to be a reason all this **** has happened. There has to be a reason that my mom hit me when I was a kid and my dad repeatedly calling me a stupid worthless low life (at age ten). There has to be a reason some guy thought he could do whatever he wanted to me and got away with it. There has to be a reason I've been through all of this. Simple, I deserve it. Apparently, every bad thought I've ever had and every single sin I've ever committed has repercussions. Every little ****ing mess up I had, had to be punished. I had to face what I had done. I only deserve consequences when I've done something wrong.
I know how ridiculous this must sound but it's how I think and I don't know why. It's hard to change my outlook.