Sorry for the long post but want to try to go into detail this is going to sound extremely bazaar but here goes .....I am a 32 year old female who at 29 became severely sick. Previous to that i was a functioning woman, had a full time job, relationship and was happy just suffered with some anxiety and sleep issues. My shifts changed at work to early mornings and was having trouble getting to sleep so was prescribed stilnox also know as ambien. I took it on and off for 6 months. Towards the end of the 6 months i started to feel really anxious so i went to the doctor and they prescribed an antidepressant lexapro. I bizarrely started to get this horrible burning sensation throughout my body it was so painful and distressing i went to the hospital numerous times they kept sending me home didnt know what was wrong with me. At this point i was not suicidal just distressed. I stopped taking the antidepressant and the burning remained. I became so distressed i did not know what to do but i found when i took the Ambien it dulled the burning sensation down so i took about 2 a day and stayed awake on it during this time. I did this for 2 days then had a hideous reaction it felt like my brain was sped up like i had been electrocuted. I became instantly suicidal, delusional, extremely violent and aggressive.

I was admitted to a psych ward where they did not know what was wrong with me. For the past 3 years i have been suicidal every second of every day. My brain feels like it doesn't function anymore like i have an acquired brain injury. I have no short term memory, suffer from horrible intrusive violent thoughts. I cannot function, i live with my mother, i cannot drive or work. My brain goes around in a loop as in i talk around in loops and cant remember what i have said. I am so frightened.

In the last 3 years i have spent all up 1 year in hospital. I have seen just about every psych in my state (I live in Australia) Tried every drug none has improved the situation in fact i think it has made me deteriorate. They cant give me a diagnosis or help. I am about to give up. Ive held on for so long but i cant live with how my brain is that i cant function my disturbed thoughts. I am frightened i am going to hurt someone and i cant deal with the suicidal idealization anymore. I am extremely aggressive. Where as before i was the most non violent kind person. The drugs have damaged my brain. I have no mental illness in my family. I am still on some medication but it doesn't help only maybe slightly helps to get through the day.

What on earth do i do? Is suicide the only way out if Ive tried everything and I have...I cant live like this anymore in torture...

Sorry for rambling but I am about to give up dont know where to turn.