So I will start with my long back story. See if I can unleash some emotion.

I just joined here. I'm not sure really what I am looking for exactly. Don't have a plan. Not really sure what to do.
I do know that I feel myself spiraling and I don't want that. So I guess I'm looking for a place to vent and relate. I'm half terrified that someone will know who I am in real life. Like I'm so one-of-a-kind and people actually go around searching for clues of my internet activity. I know this is so so silly. I know rationally that there are like 5 people in the world who know I exist. And one that knows I struggle with depression and such. And he wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't care if he did find me out because he wouldn't care being my ex and all...
Anyway. I got 156 on the sanity score. My life is a mess. My life has always been a mess. I have been in treatment and on drugs since I was in high school. Im 30 now, and in college. The last 13 years of my life I was living with this guy. A great guy, really. But I didn't have any dependence. Not his fault. I gave it up and he has the kind of "take care of and fix everything" personality. Codependent I guess. I worked a bit and saw a therapist but that was it for my socializing.
Last year my mom got really sick, needed a transplant. She got one, but the surgery had lots of complications and she was in the hospital for months. Noone in our family could stay with her, as they all used up all their vacation. I wasnt happy where I was, where I lived, who I was, my job, I was very unhappy. My ex was as supportive as he could be, but I wasnt there for him, I see that now. I was as detached as you could get from him. I don't blame him for leaving me. But I get ahead of myself
So my mom was sick, and I had used my vacation days. She was going to be alone in the hospital.
I made a snap decision. Went home, quit my job, packed a couple months of stuff up and came back to stay until she was better.
Well it took a long time, and my ex pretty much told me not to come back. He was looking for something else. I should have seen that coming. But its for the best. He can be happy now. Without me to bring him down.
So Im still here. 30 years old and living with my parents I decided to take a few college courses as well, since I literally had nothing. I didn't have my own bank account, a drivers license, any ID, any credit cards, basically nothing to say I even existed for all those years. No friends to miss me either.
My mom's getting better now (yay) and I think she appreciated having me around. But now she doesn't need me and I have no home to go back to. No friends for support. No therapist. Im still on my meds from before. The new doctor I saw refilled them with no questions asked, thankfully, and being a student helps pay for them. I had to get a license, and a car, and a bank account and ID. At 30. 30 and I had no idea how to do any of this stuff. I thought the stress of all that would break me. Because I have to be strong for my family. I smile and joke, but mostly hide away "Studying" because I am being crushed from the inside. I am ashamed of my depression. Of myself. I shouldnt be, maybe, but I am.
I also tell myself I am grateful for my second chance at life. Stress or no, I have a chance to live the way I want (how that way is I still have no clue) eat what I want (so I diet) Go where I want (so I stay shut in) Socialize with who I want (I have not talked to one person unless it was absolutely necessary. I run though. I run and run, and diet, and stay thinner than I should because I should look as frail on the outside as I am on the inside. Still fat though, even underweight. But thats another issue I will tackle later.
I have routines. Serious, daily, must do in order routines or my day will be ruined. My week. My life will end. Dramatic I know, but it keeps the panic at bay.
These things have made me realize I fell I have no control over my life.

I thought I would do so well in school. Like I could just go back to school after 12 years and know everything, no problem. Get a job, take all the classes, and get straight As. Then I would get in shape and take kickboxing.
Ya, I had to drop from 5 to 3 classes. I study all the time. Barely have time to run. Waste alot of time trying not to be depressed, trying to deny all my emotions. Just swallow it down, squish, ignore, run away, starve them out.
Obviously this is not working, and I feel ready to break. Strangely enough it was after the months of crying everyday that I started to feel this bad. It is tearing me apart. I feel like my heart is being squeezed with sandpaper and barbed wire, all the time.
But I can only fix myself. I have to fix myself. I refuse to self-destruct. The only emotion I allow myself is anger and determination. I loathe myself but I tell myself everyday that I am grateful for what I have and where I am and that any sacrifice is worth helping my family. Not that I'm really sacrificing anything.

In fact, they provide my a place to live, low cost. And I can go to school and get a degree. I was unhappy in my other life, so I should be happier here. But I feel alone. And the best describing word I can think of is crushed.

And I dont know what to do about it. And I can't talk to my family about it because my mom has post-surgical depression and menopause. So I have to be strong and happy and supportive. I cant see a therapist because I can't afford to. And I have no time. I feel bad being here, instead of studying. Studying for courses Im not even doing that well in because apparently old dog cant learn new tricks or whatever. My memory doesnt work properly. Probably because all I feel is this mental pain, its so distracting. But I still refuse to self-destruct.