This is my first post. I have suffered from depression for perhaps 12 years and I regularly check in with my doctor. I have a decent job, live alone and have zero support system. My parents live "seven seas away". I am about 35 years old.

I have struggled with this question for a long time: Why go on living? The only answer I can come up with is that I cannot imagine having my mom go through the death of her younger son. She is a very gentle and kind soul (maybe every mother is), and her two sons (me and my brother) have caused her a lot of grief. She has wanted us to get married and we have been unable to do that because we have just not been able to for one reason or another. She lives in a very different culture and sees all her friends' and brothers' and sisters' kids getting married and is completely in an internal panic about her two sons who are getting somewhat advanced in age.

I can say that it is her problem she needs to deal with it, but I really don't feel like that. I can argue with her that I do not think marriage with change anything in her life, but perhaps I do not understand her situation. She has never asked me for much and has been supportive of me and I want her to be happy.

All of that to say, I have failed her and made her miserable. I have failed myself, for I am miserable. What do I do? I feel like being between a rock and a hard place. If I die, I make her miserable. If I live, I make her miserable.

I work in the tech-industry and do well at work but I have no real interests. As time goes on, I keep feeling like I am getting stupider (or people around me are getting smarter) and slowly I am losing my niche at work (though my coworkers likely do not notice it yet). I feel done. I do not know what to do? I have gone through enough counseling and doctor appointments and they are good people, but they cannot really help if I am at the end of my line.