I wrote the above at 3am and now I'm thinking more.

Perfection is the only option.

I recall a few people I encountered online who had nothing but contempt for weak people who cling to a cause, trait, or group for an identity. This, they said, is a pathetic adolescent problem you should have grown out of as a teenager, and you're a joke who needs to gro the hell up.

Well, I couldn't relate more. Lately I find myself running around trying to validate I have a disorder, anything at all. Why? Because there's nothing else to me.

But feeling sorry for yourself is narcissism, looking for an identity is immature, anything other than efficient self-fixing and asap normalizing is a contemptible plea for attention that you don't deserve because you are most likely inherently worthless and no one owes you anything. Failure is the only option, and only useless people fail.

Assertion is entitlement, but so is surrender. If you want to be loved, secure, and happy, you must be perfect.

It isn't worth it. I can't do it. I know that's contemptible to say so, but there's nothing I can offer this world to justify my existence. There's no life without feeling, either. Honestly, the idea of being perfectly secure and neutral is a little horrifying - how will I stand out or relate to people?? /sarcasm Really, how will i even exist? Life as a mechanical, empty shell seems even more pointless than the one I lead now.