Hi Scientia, I want you to know that I'm someone who has struggled with similar questions/searchings, so, this isn't meant to be a judgment of you in any way, it's simply, that in reading your words, thoughts, and emotions, I could identify in you a little of myself, looking for true meaning at one point (many points) in life. I want you to feel no shame for grappling with these ideas, in fact, I think it is admirable that you search for real truth and not some over-used spiritual quotation meant to provide you with instant enlightenment ( although those do work sometimes). My comment that you appear, to me, to be painting yourself into a corner is based on my observation of several statements you have made which at first, pose a deep question, some spark of insight which may lead you down a trail to more insights, but, you then quickly extinguish your own light of hope when you discard whatever idea it is you are working towards with negativity and self doubt. Here are a few examples:

wouldn't that make nihilism the correct answer, the truly correct way to live?

But at the same time, that kind of giving in doesn't sit well with me

If I follow the nihilistic path, I'll be frustrated. If I follow the other path, I'll feel ashamed.
I wonder if my saving grace would be a goal.

I kind of don't count on that happening though.

How valuable, really, is authenticity - because I know I cling to mine, even if it's personally detrimental, even if it makes me less respectable to those whose opinions I value.

Stupid

is it worth radically altering my appearance to be lovable? Is it worth adopting the right interests at the expense of my real ones to be respectable? Is it worth spending years studying subjects I don't care for and am not good at to be employable, or spending even longer in poverty to try to build marketable skills on my own?

Maybe I just see it as futile.

it's entirely possible to put in an effort that deserves success, and fail. Really now, why even bother?

The more I read, the more hopeless I become. There's nothing out there. Absolutely nothing. I am not competent, I'm a useless, broken freak. There is no life I can crete for myself, and no reason to try.

I'd really simply be better off dead. That's what i actually deserve anyway.

I'm a joke, aren't I? Too pathetic to handle the harsh reality of life. But I've already violated so many moral norms in this regard it doesn't even matter. There's no hope for me. I still have time left, so any replies would be appreciated. But I know I don't deserve them and likely won't get them. No one owes me attention. Those who cannot get everything for themselves are expected to simply die.

Maybe don't give up on your thoughts/ideas so quickly? You are starting off on a good course by thinking, you are examining large philosophical/existential ideas. I can't and don't accept that it's all for nothing.