To every one:
I'm still frantic. The more I read, the more I realize the only non-morally-horrific life is a completely personally empty one. The things I dream of doing are a waste of time. This actually ties into the thread, since I call myself ambitious, say I want to do something with my life. But since valuing personal fulfilment over the wellbeing of the physically needy is morally wrong (I can link some articles if anyone wants), and the arts provide no significant good in the world...I see no reason to keep going. I have no justification; it's just too damn bad and no one cares. I can't live like that; I don't even care. I don't want that responsibility, I don't understand why I even have it. I just want everything to go away and stop, it's all moving too fast.
Someone talk to me, please. Anyone. I'll give you my number if writing is too slow. I know I'm a hysterical freak, and I'm sorry. Please...
Edit: Adding some links for people's reference. I'm desperate for input. (Not actually triggering):
Possible trigger:
Refuting Criticisms of Utilitarianism and Effective Altruism | The Godless Theist
The points being refuted are basically how I see EA. I have a hard time accepting the idea of a moral evaluation system that doesn't actually label moral vs immoral.
The Ethical Imperative of Effective Altruism | The Godless Theist
Title says it all.
https://aeon.co/essays/art-is-a-wast...ltruism-claims
The most painful, upon rereading, as a wannabe writer and maybe visual artist. That what I'd be doing isn't just useless, it's cruelly useless, possibly entitled and narcissistic (though really, I'm probably something of a narc anyway). I say I want to do something worthwhile with my life, contribute something, leave a little legacy. Goals that are pretty reprehensible under utilitarianism unless they involve establishing hugely beneficial systems or donating loads of money. I want to affect people, but in such a way I can get concrete feedback.
The most horrifying part is that, in the last hour, I can feel my internal world dying. My desire to create disappearing before it ever emerged - because it won't do any REAL good. It might brighten some American's day, but it won't save any needy lives. I can't use it to claim I did a good thing, just a validating one. I put my stupid feelings or thoughts out there and someone liked it, so I feel worthy. But the article points out I'm not, because my ideas and feelings don't matter when there's so much suffering in the world. It's wrong and narcissistic for me to want to do something like that. Even though... I don't care about altruism much. I can't bear the thought of dedicating my life to it, because it just doesn't matter to me. If I could do both, that would be ideal.
I don't want this change, this is the self-clinging I was talking about. Because the altruistic life doesn't sound fulfilling or even interesting to me - it will just protect me from criticism.
There's something very off to me too about the moral baseline for lifetime behavior being so...narrow. Maybe that's my pain, confinement. Every choice being either unpleasant or strict.
God, I'm sorry. I'll retire after this if you guys want. Just how to I get past this dissonance? This is my torture, finding the right way to live. The apparent answer is something I can't submit to, but I want to be moral too...