I woke with chest pains last night and couldn't get back to sleep. Part of me was hoping it was the end but all it did was make me completely exhausted and unproductive at work today.

New pdoc today he is starting me on Brintellix.

Therapist visit today also.

Both of them told me that after what happened on Friday I am entitled to feel bad, to grieve. I know that and I've always accepted grieving into my life as a part of the ups and downs of life. The difference this time is that I have no hope left no hope that when the grieving ends there will be anything positive to look forward too.

People tell me there is always hope but my 54 years of experience with this with 100% painful results and NEVER a good outcome tell me otherwise and even if the 55th year is the charm that can't happen since I refuse to try again. This last attempt left me broken and suicidal. The journey and the result are both painful for me. It seems to be both the way I am built and my fate for always a bad outcome. Last time I said I would never try again but I did and it left me suicidal. I would have done it last night if it weren't so close in time to someone who would likely take direct blame. If I'm still in this much pain in a few weeks so that the event might be distanced in someone's mind I may just go through with it.

I will give the Brintellix a chance but what if it makes me feel better enough to fool myself that I should try again and I end up in all of this pain again?