Thank you everyone for replying.
I got a test back today and didnt do very well. I didnt sleep well last night. My mom isnt eating for some reason, she says she is not hungry because of stress. She's been losing weight. I feel angry because she got a liver donor transplant a year ago and now shes not taking care of herself. It's very frustrating.
I got a test back, didn't do very well.
After writing yesterday, I felt too much I think. I usually have a very small range of emotion. At least, emotion that I acknowledge. I dont know what to do with it. Everything has been making me feel defensive lately. But I just smile.
Lots of overwhelming intrusive thoughts. A small, tiny, yet uncontrolled incident. I don't think I'm allowed to say. But I'm mad at myself, I should have just done 100 squats or something. Next time.

I feel so out of control. I'm half-scared and half-expectant that I will just have a mild psychotic break. It has happened twice before, landing my in IP once. Not a good place for me. Too many people too close together. So, as much as I would just like to let my head explode and have my mind go away for a vacation, I cannot afford that at any cost. Family, finals, job. It would ruin everything I have worked so hard to hide.

But I don't know how to deal atm. This out-of-control angry/sad/anxiety feeling has been really building up over the past year. Really bad over the past few months. And the past week has been a constant migraine. Which is why I came here.
I feel like I need a way to trick myself into thinking I'm being self-destructive, so I can feel like Ive been properly punished for, I dont know, being me.
Extra exercise is not helping. I have a backup batch of ativan (not for overdose!) just PRNs I never took. I may try taking those to calm myself, but Im afraid of being too drugged, letting myself slip up, or not being able to concentrate, since I'm all ready having a hell of a time.

I have been trying (over the last few weeks) things like meditation (sha-va-sa-na?), mindfulness, (these meditation things I can do for about 1 minute before I get really annoyed and distracted with having to vacuum or something totally random like that), I try doing things around my room with my eyes closed (sounds stupid and weird I know but it really makes me slow down and focus, and then I get annoyed), drawing, exercise, omega 3's, positive - encouraging affirmations (don't be so weak, make yourself stronger! More resilient! Be better and you wont feel so bad about yourself!) I've never been able to "I love and accept myself" without feeling like a liar.

I tried putting my hand over my heart and trying to accept my frustration (today). I think it worked for about 30 seconds while I looked at myself in the mirror and felt a bit silly. Like taking a deep breath.

I dont know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm going to get hostile or snappy. I try really really hard not to ever be confrontational. I tried to just avoid people today even more than usual. I feel like people are just attacking me from all sides for no reason. I swear I put on a good show. I agree with people. I help them, compliment them, smile. All those socially acceptable things I learned from TV. Why won't people just leave me alone! I am a non-threatening, affable, quiet, thing.

Yes I have been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality. But I don't feel right about the way I'm supposed to stand up for myself and be my own person. Feels wrong. Like breathing water.

Some people believe in energy. Perhaps people "feel" my turmoil underneath and that's why they give me those hateful looks.
Maybe I'm imagining it. But I don't think I'm delusional.
Today has been a confusing and frustrating day. Unsteady. Disjointed.

I want to learn new tricks, or least the subject matter in my classes! Thermochemistry.

@Skeezykz - I've been there too. First time I think because I had no concept of mental health, I was young, going through those thoughts for the first time, and not on any meds. Times after that were... learning attempts. Maybe. Then more recently I got taken off Clonazepam. Like 3mg a day to nothing. I had a total meltdown, apparently. i dont have a lot of memory of it. I was in the hospital anyway. First, last, and only time I will ever let someone see me in that state, and commit me. Trap me. Terrible.

I hope I can come here for something. Even if its just to vent. But I've never been good with anything social. I will soon feel like I've been singled out and excluded and stop coming. Because I always get that feeling, even though its maybe irrational. People will find me out, and they hate me. For no reason. (Like I'm so special, right).

I'm hoping I can find something. Some connection to something real. A sense of belonging maybe? What am I looking for anyway. How will I find it if I don't know what it is.

Also, about taking care of myself. I do. I maintain a just-below-underweight BMI, exercise, eat the minimum recommended amount of calories for my BMR. I eat healthy food. I'm just strict with myself. I even eat dessert food when I'm around other people eating dessert food, I don't like being looked at funny. I just don't really have a healthy attitude about it. I hate the way I look. I feel fat as a hippo, and I lose sleep over those empty calories that I eat "because people are watching". Or because I have no self-control. But I don't do anything about it. I don't starve myself, anymore. Most of the time. I eventually gain back weight when i lose it because I can't afford new clothes. Or because I'm Miss Piggy but I tell myself it's because I can't afford to buy new sizes of clothes all the time. Which is true, also. The disordered part is just in my mind. My aunt was hospitalized for anorexia. Which I definitely dont have. And wow that really put a spotlight on her... I don't want that. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin, which currently I am very not. But I live with that loathing anyway. When I can run a marathon, and win it, I'll be happy with my body. My dad's run in like 10 of them. I haven't been in any. Massive let down to him I think. Anyway.

Im sorry for the rambling. And for kind of making this more of a journal entry then a forum post. I am looking for attention I guess, or support, or just a connection, or who knows. Obviously Im not squashing it all in, or I wouldn't be reaching out. A little reach, but still a reach. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with this, but anyway. Need something a little better then a mild psychotic episode this time.