you're right alex, he can't promise to never do anything which might make me anxious... but that wasn't quite the promise he made. He said he wouldn't do anything to deliberately produce anxiety, ie anxiety for anxiety's sake. He had said he would not evoke anxiety deliberately... which is not the same. Lots of things would produce anxiety as you said, and lots of them would be intentional acts, but not acts intended to produce anxiety.... does that make sense?

He chose not to call so as to let me be thrown into the deep end. SInk or swim. Figure it out. No plan. No help. No preparation. No warning and certainly no joint decision.

The *only* reason i went back on Tuesday was a wise friend reminded me that he was, as you said, human and prone to mistakes. i told him that. i told him i thought he had made a mistake but this was like open heart surgery and there wasn't a lot of room for mistakes.

Like your T mine did not confirm or dent my words or feelings about him being wrong. But unlike yours, mine did not lean forward nor show me any outward sign of understanding or empathy in this case.

i long for him to just lean forward, like he did at one point a long time ago. i felt so connected then... just reach in to me... reach half way.

we didn't talk about things like this from my past.

we did talk about questions i asked myself about it, like why did such a small thing (seemingly) produce such and intense reaction? why did it undo all the good he has done?

i told him i wanted to stop putting out fires every week... my life is a disaster and will be for the next while anyway, so why bother? i told him we should just move on to other things.

we spent a lot of time with me asking him about how he does things when dealing with deeper stuff...hypothetical situations, etc.

i left feeling empty and dispondent (sp?)... i still feel that way.

i don't know that i am getting a benefit that is worth the cost at this point.

He is a good guy and i can tell he does what he does well. i am just not very sure that what he does is what i need. He is capable of it, but i don't get enough of it often enough to make me feel accepted and safe. i like him a lot but find i am constantly just wanting him to act a little more gentle and tender with me.

i am not asking for him to tell me he cares, as nice as that would be, i am wanting him to show me he does through his body language, actions and words. Lean forward, speak softly, use that soothing tone... too much to long for?

i feel so lost and desparately sad. A deep cloud has settled over me and i am finding it hard to do anything..