Before this T. I use to look for someone to care. I didn't feel I deserved and would take them hostage in my mind ams keep feeding them trauma stories about me, oddly T never the actual traumas I'd been through, because at that point they were still unspoken, unconscious and just the way my life had been.

'Friends' could never be that which I wanted them to be because A/my needs were to big. B/ I was drawn to those unable to care - trauma repetition - T being my friend? No but she's cared and understood so I don't need friends in the way I once did. T is that one secure base in which allows me to dive into life from. I can have friends now without the drama. But, I choose not to. I am family orirntated, my family I've created are the family I dreamt of as a child. Friends don't come high on my list. Maybe that will change one day..........or maybe not. Of course I chat to people I know now and again. But what I needed badly, I get from T. She doesn't have to be a fruend to do that. Infact it's better she's not.