A wise friend PM'ed me today and shared the wisdom of how it is better to learn how to avoid certain stressors than to expect yourself to cope with them. Truer words could not have been spoken to me at a more perfect time.

Like many with MI the need to have control can trigger me to put every ounce of my effort into coping with those things that create stress in my life. Be they big or small they add to the 'stress bucket' and if I don't do something to release the stress then I am destined for a melt down or panic attack.

For a long time I thought I was weak if I didn't plow through whatever it was that was causing the stress. Like it was some kind of competition between me and the stress. I wasn't going to let ‘it’ win or beat me so my answer was always to keep on truckin' and maintain control at any cost.

This lifestyle eventually got the better of me until I had a total physical and mental breakdown last fall. I had no choice but to admit I wasn't able to control everything. To acknowledge my dysfunctions. I had to come out of the denial that I could keep it together if I just worked at it harder. I eventually had to be willing to avoid some of the stress rather than feel the need to confront and conquer all of it.

I still saw it as a weakness and that feed some depressive thinking but I was in no position to argue. I had no energy to fight anymore. I had no mental capacity to stand strong. I owned the weakness for a while as a negative tag and I had to ride the roller coaster again until I changed my vocabulary.

Rather than judging myself to be weak as though I was 'less then...' I opted to acknowledge I was human and I had real limits. I had to learn about sectioning my life, events, commitments, goals and dreams into 'manageable pieces'. I grew some empathy for myself and I stopped beating myself up for coming short of my former standards of success and personal worthiness.

I still overdo sometimes and I still spew horrible self talk at myself for my limitations and my disabilities when events overwhelm me. When I engage in the fight for control. Less and less thankfully. Gratefully there are people here and in my real life that come to me or that I can go to for a reminder of the basics.

Some days it's one minute at a time, others one hour, while other's one day at a time depending on the number of stressors in my path. An important reminder for me came from that dear friend who PM'ed me today..... as my awareness grows, as I acknowledge that not all stressors need to be 'stared down' that I'm no less strong for avoiding a stress as fighting with it.... I'm getting closer and closer to the prize. A lifestyle that integrates coping skills that allow me to be free, have peace and keep in forward motion is worth working for but it need not be a struggle or a fight. I am finding the balance.

I've come to realize lately that I'm an 'over-thinker'. I allow things to spin around and round in my head until it zaps energy I can't afford to loose. I imagine every possibility of something and generally latch on to the worst imaginings. I think this is a learned defense from disappointment. 99.9% of the time my 'worst case' never happens but it may as well have given the effect it has on my wellbeing.

I'm learning to limit how much time I allow myself to think about any one thing. To cope, I now cut myself off from thinking... I literally watch the clock and after a short time I take whatever it that has me over analyzing to prayer and leave it for my faith to resolve.

Like any coping skill it takes practice and persistence. If I know something to be destructive but can't 'talk' myself into making the right choice I give it up to prayer and by faith I let it go. I don't feed my phobias and my fears as much as I used to and I'm stronger for it.

Keep on doing what makes you stronger and baby yourself if you have to. We can do anything..... we just may need to do things differently and in baby steps.

Thanks freewill for the wonderful PM this morning. And other too who have taken the time to offer me their kind support and wonderful wisdom. The blessings go on and on and on......

Everything is working out cuz I honoured my limits, listened to the wisdom and stopped the paranoid thinking. I allowed myself the rest that I needed until I could rest without it being a struggle.

Opps.... really let myself babble there. Hope something useful for others comes through.

Take it easy..... it's helping me get through a stressful time without major incident. HORRAY!!!