you are not a coward... you are still here, it takes great strength to fight this, dont put yourself down ok?
i know its hard for anything i say to make a difference.. but i really want you to try to relax... we have to focus on recovery...
i can't drive either, im terrified of it... i have mini panic attacks when riding in a car even... i jump alot at oncoming traffic and traffic signs... trees or mailboxes or anything that is close to the moving car.. but especially oncoming traffic...
so dont feel bad about the driving thing please? i try not to think about it, its just something that i have not been able to do yet.. i dunno if i ever will drive, i dont really want to because it scares me so much... but some day i might have to face it, but that scares me too so i try to ignore it and not think about that... gotta focus on what i can do right now to try to get better..
i think all the time about all of the things i miss out on, everything that i have missed out on... its depressing in itself... i dropped out of school so i dont even have a G.E.D. or highschool diploma... i cant work because of this illness... but i try to be the best depressed optimist that i can... even though its so conflicting and makes me so angry sometimes to try to tell myself that its ok when clearly i see that its not ok, but i have to ... i have to try to help myself get through the day and night because i wont let anyone else help me... i only talk about some things here on psych central because people here are really empathetic and understanding...
my real life persona is no where near as extroverted as i seem here on the forums... im a supreme introvert and i barely talk most of the time, i will casually talk about small things that i may have read or reply to something some one says to me but i dont even want to talk really, im practically a mute?
im not trying to make this about me... i just want you to know that we are so strong, depression makes us so weak... but we have to be so strong just to make it 1 day with this illness... please try to see your strengths... i know its so hard and all we can see is the weakness.. but we have to fight it, fight to see any kind of strengths we have...
i haven't left the house in weeks, i rarely ever go out because i just dont feel like it... and that doesnt really bother me but i guess thats related to my personality traits...
i dont have any friends either, besides all of the kind people here on psych central..
everyone here is so supportive and understanding, its wonderful being able to say the things that are going through our minds without having to fear so much judgement...
im sorry that i ramble and make long posts, its hard for me to simplify anything because of the adhd i guess...
im just trying to show you that we are really strong... i know you are stronger than you think you are..
i know you dont believe me, hell i dont believe myself most of the time.. but i have to fight it, i will fight it till the end and i want you to find the strength to fight it too
what can i do for you to help..? i can sit here and say many many things but i know its hard to listen to me say this and you're probably thinking im full of bull****
but i do care about you and you are important, even though i dont know you in life... i share the same affliction and know how painful it is...
we have to be kind to ourselves... please do something good for yourself... make yourself feel good for just a few minutes... eat some chocolate... bake some cookies... hell, drink a few beers even..? anything that you enjoy you know?
you deserve to be happy and we can be happy if we dont let this illness win... we just have to fight, im not saying its easy because i know its not... its the ugliest and hardest damn thing i've ever faced... but i refuse to let it win...
i've learned that we can be our worse enemy... and our own best friend... but its a see-saw type effect... because we will bounce back and forth...
we will have good days and we will have bad days... but we have to stay strong through it all...
and hopefully oneday we will succeed in banishing the illness from our lives completely, i have talked with people that have won the war... and they have been happy for a long time, it inspires me.. i know i struggle really hard with alot of bad habbits... i even end up with self harm when i get so bad i cant take it anymore... and i hate that i do that... but its just the depression making me do these things... there are beautiful people inside of us that the depression is hiding... covering up... you know?
i dont want to upset you are piss you off... not trying to talk a bunch of trash or whatever.. im just trying to be sincere... i really want you to be ok...
can you please try to do something nice for yourself...? try to make a habbit of doing something nice for yourself..?
i am a musician so sometimes even when i dont feel like it i try to make music... its hard, but if i keep at it it does make me feel a little better... just a little, but a little is alot in these cases...
i dont have many things that i can do to make myself feel better so music is one of the good habits i can rely on...
i will stop writing because i just write too much
but im here for you... i will try to be... im going through the same thing though, we just have to try to hold each other up...
i hope i dont make you mad or anything saying these things... because i know when im really really bad and someone tells me "you are a strong beautiful person" im like "yeah right, nooope you're an idiot"
but its true, we are ... you are... really really
ps:
i wanted to ask about your treatment... are you seeing a pdoc or therapist?