My T had a "so what?" attitude about my googling her daughter. Driving by her house without permission is apparently in a different category. I still don't quite understand that, but we went on to discuss other aspects of the googling. She asked when she hasn't answered my questions about her and her family. True, she does. But I said I want to know everything; I wouldn't know what to ask. We compared this to my crushes in my past.

It was interesting that she said she has to be careful because having looser boundaries like the emailing, for example, can trigger my feelings for and my wanting the relationship to be more than it is. However, being too strict makes me feel distant from her and she wants us to be close. She meant about knowing things about her too. It's not that she doesn't want me to know, but it's not the purpose of our relationship.

When I said I wanted her to punish me, and wanting to know if she would still love me if I'm bad, she reminded me about classic borderline fear of abandonment. She said I feel like I'm bad, and feel shame. True.

I said I feel disappointed she's not going to punish me. Then we got into a sexual aspect and I said an anatomy word that is shameful to me.

She said I was present though I was blushing!

So, we touched on a lot of issues about why I Google and why I tell her. Even talked a little about jealousy, that I want her to be my mother. She brought that up, not me.

I'm feeling a little sad because of course T is not my mother, and I can't redo the past. After therapy blues. But I am proud of myself for staying present, for telling her about the googling without stalling, and for saying that word and telling T directly that I'm ashamed of my body.

I am glad I finally have a T who I feel comfortable enough to discuss my taboo topics. It is worth finding a T like mine!