Our fathers are models of manhood . As children , adolescents and adults , their presence or lack of in our lives affects deeply - of this I'm sure . Every time I see a dad and his son playing ball together - I ask my self , why was he so indifferent and mean spirited . My father was emotionally abusive and I took the responsibility for his behavior because he could make me believe I deserved it . I waited too long thinking I could reach him and that a healthy relationship could happen . I was his scapegoat . He knew just exactly where I was vulnerable and when to attach all the while carrying on the pretense that nothing was wrong . He is dead now - 2 years and his last words to me were , "get out of here and don't ever come back " . The only way I can understand his behavior is to say he was mentally ill . And that doesn't change any of it . Forgiving him will never expunge the deep wounds he created in me . I gave him too much power but as a kid you have no choice . When you realize this you have to find a way to take back the power . For me I began to distance myself from him - he would never include me our my family - his grandchildren - in his " family celebrations " And while this hurt I began to see how self centered , manipulative and truly narcissistic he was . I could separate his problem from my own .