Thank you ES they used to let us use headphones which I was using after my music became a problem. A few years ago the boss decided he didn't like everyone in the dept wearing headphones (I agreed with him but I wore mine since everyone else was). So that stopped and now eveyone just puts music on their computer speakers to create a cacophony of crap in the room.

I have a WRAP plan it isn't helping me now. In the hospital the focus of all of my group meetings was getting me out of my shell, to stop worrying about how I was alone and instead change my plan of action so that I wouldn't be alone anymore. I was terribly shy (I still am) so they gave me skills to help me get out and talk to people. I review those notes often. I spent the ten years after hospital working on those plans, getting out more, meeting more gay people, socializing, trying to talk to people I was attracted to.

Discovered - a) I'm not that attracted to all that many people (and no I'm not picky) and b) no one is attracted to me. Not people I don't suspect and anyone I think I attracted to me turns out I am mistaken and heartbreak ensues. 100%

There are a lot of good things about myself. I'm very smart, I'm very funny I'm very likable I'm very good hearted. I like myself and I like being by myself and I like doing things by myself. I'm loving and nurturing and not afraid to put my emotions out there under appropriate circumstances. I spent my entire life liking that about myself, not caring that I was alone, and thinking that if someday somebody found me then it would be meant-to-be and would work out.

Years later I found myself surprisingly heartbroken after thinking someone was interested in me (I was totally wrong) and realized that something inside me had changed and that I wanted to be with someone. That led to a depressed period and to my hospitalization during which I learned that if I wanted someone I couldn't sit idle and wait for someone to find me.

That brings me back to the top of my story where I've since learned that not only will someone not find me but no one seems to want to find me and no one wants me if I find them.

All of the qualities I've listed above makes me an excellent friend but apparently nothing more. Twice in my life they've led people to me in situations that I thought were loving situations but turned out to be merely friendships and nothing more. If I had never been teased maybe I'd be happy to be a lone, completely asexual loner. And I'm not interested in sex, I'd just like someone here when I;m happy and here when I'm struggling to help me share my happiness and share my struggles. I need a support system to help me though this depression and with my other medical issues and if I couldn't find someone when I was healthy I certainly can't even look for anyone while I'm physically or mentally ill. The depression has built a wall around me to protect myself but my 10 years of sobriety tells me that there isn't anything magical outside of the wall waiting for me either.

I read here about everyone's bad relationships current struggles with family and past failures with relationships friendships and marriages. I do not discount those or the pain they have caused and do cause but I have had no such failures in my entire life, I've never gotten off the ground, so no one can convince me that something suddenly is going to happen for me when I'm 60 and dying.

Someone in the chat room tried to tell me that relationships aren't all good and I'd like to hear from someone who can tell me that it is at all healthy to spend one's entire life backwards and forwards alone not talking about a sexual relationship (although that too) but not a single emotional relationship or someone to share with or count on emotionally in times or darkness or times of recovery and wellness.

Thinking of this under my depression has been causing constant emotional pain and all I can hope for in treatment and with medication is that I might go back to a time when I am not suffering from this burden constantly and can sometimes just forget about how alone I am and go back to functioning like an automaton and laughing at sitcoms on TV and enjoying going out to movies by myself or going to social groups and interacting and not minding when everyone else leaves with their mates and I go home alone but right not that is not a life I choose for myself.