i talked to my lawyer yesterday afternoon... (almost 1am now..)
she was so kind and understanding, sweet and patient, i think i fell in love

she is just worried about my alcohol and drug past... and the judge dismissing it because thinking it causing or making worse my problems...

i've only self medicated though... with alcohol and marijuana...
my last pdoc probably wrote all kinds of shite about it though... god i so dont like him...

during my treatment at that clinic though i cut back so much on the alcohol, i cut back on the marijuana too but he wanted me to just stop completely and wouldnt listen to any of my concerns , misdiagnosing me bipolar, putting me on all these drugs, and they not helping in good ways... and he pushing me and pushing me to stop doing the one thing that helps...

now i barely smoke marijuana... i haven't been smoking very much since like around middle of last year... i had to move and dont have access so how can i...? i might smoke once a month...
i know that the self medicating wasn't making anything worse... it was just my way of trying to cope with severe distress...
but they always try to make it look bad...

im so scared im going to black out or start crying in the middle of the hearing...
what if that happens...? what are they going to do to me...?
if i just start sobbing... im crying now just thinking about it...
i have lots of trauma so im ... you know... really fragile... and they are looking at me at my most vulnerable angles... i dont let anybody look at me like that, no one knows about these things, but these few people are going to see me at my worse

what do i do if i start crying...? what do i do if i cant speak...? im so scared...
can i ask the lawyer to help me...? i know i have to talk to the judge.. but what if i cant... its so hard to think when im like this... i dont want to fudge up and say the wrong thing... dissociate and say something random and irrellavant or annoy the judge or cause any kind of hiccups... i just wanna go in and say please help me

in my last assessment in january the psychologist wrote in the report that my symptoms are severe, debilitating severe, so severe i cant function daily activites....

i have just a week or so to try to prepare mentally... i just know im gonna fudge up...
its so scary!!!

i am not on anything but wellbutrin and thats not doing much at all and nothing for my anxiety... maybe if i pass out they will just let me have it and take me to the hospital...

what am i supposed to do..?