I hate it when you feel that you are doing well, and than all of a sudden something triggers you and it all crashes... this one regarding anxiety.

HOLY CRAP it's out of control again with my irrational thoughts.

So what happened a few hours ago:

I was writting me BF at his work over email. He wants me to come down today until friday, because friday and saturday nite he's planning to party since he hasn't been out like that in awhile.. which is fine with me but that triggered anxiety, thinking what the hell am I going to do while he is out having his fun? What if when I try to call him on his cell phone, what if I can't get a hold of him.

And then this is the stupid part...

You know that i've had some food anxiety since the summer, usually when it came down to meats, well now it's every thing!! For instance today...... Eating halloween candy, those little rockets... well just because one of the rocket candies had the tiny pink dots in the candy, likely either food coloring or the sugar, but anyways I questioned it wondering if there was something wrong with that candy... but I ate it anyways, and then regreted because I thought that there was something wrong, like poison or some [censored] like that... Which is obviously not the case, but that was the automatic thoughts.

So I was going to go though all the candies to see if they had those dots, I was literally gagging at the thought of eating candy that was tampered with.. Even though i've eaten a ton of those bloody rockets!!!

I had a panic attack phoned up my psychiatrist and just started to babbling saying it the candy, and it's making me sick, I want to throw it up etc!

Can you believe that?

Hell, that sucks I was doing soon good, and I had a bit of anxiety surrounding a stupid peanut butter cup out of all things CHOCOLATE that I love, because the peanut butter cup was oily!!

It didn't get bad with that, the anxiety did come up because of that, but it was quickly pushed aside.

My psychiatrist phoned me back and I just got off the phone with her, so we are going to likely change my meds, because the anxiety is still there, and what not.

She asked if I thought that anyone was after me, or trying to poision me. I said no. She asked if I thought that whenever I walked alone that someone was following me. Don't think so? I haven't walked really anywhere on my own in awhile, a month or so, and haven't payed attention to whether or not i've worried about it..