Webgoji, I almost succeeded in returning to normalcy last night, then woke up this morning with my mind running with guilt again and this post was exactly what I needed.

The idea is supposed to be that every life is equal in a universal, objective POV (something, it occurred to me, I don't entirely believe, both from a quasi-objective POV, and a personal, individual one). So, it's rational to prioritize someone living with their basic needs met before someone living "happy" and "fulfilled". It seems shallow doesn't it? How awful am I that I care immensely more, am far more interested in my own (privileged) psychodrama than almost anyone else's wellbeing?

So I start feeling guilty about every thought I have. Every daydream, every excitement for beauty or fantasy, every plan for self-improvement, ever dream of egoistic success, every bite of emotional pain or self-hatred - what right do I have to this? What right do I have to say "I want this", when the objectively, rationally, morally correct thing is to do quite the opposite? What right do I have to live the life I want when so many others don't even get to imagine one?

(Assuming it is...I've seen arguments against that.)

Another site I read talked about guilt and this movement: a couple suggesting that guilt and scrupulosity can be great ways to get people involved and start doing good. Or, that people who feel guilty about their "privilege" could absolve their guilt by giving it away. Well, I dropped out of college partially becasue I felt guilty about having a college account instead of having to take out loans and work my way through; I've self-harmed to absolve myself of having never been abused. Shouldn't I also subsume my desires, interest, and personality in the service of the needier. I don't deserve the privilege of daydreaming, pursuing a useless intellectual life, doing artistic things, involving myself in psychology.

Or do I? I have a hard time believing, intellectually, that any one person has such an obligation. To do one's part and contribute carefully and thoughtfully is one thing; to devote one's life to it on pure rational grounds is almost inhuman. And one article mercifully pointed out that those who do devote themselves to this kind of service aren't submerging passions in the name of rational morality - they are passionate about this. Great for them! I am not. Now if I could just convince myself this is okay....

EDIT: Oh, I doubt it's bipolar. I've never been manic in my life, or hypomanic. I'm starting to think it's some kind of anxiety. It wouldn't explain my tendency to extreme thinking though.