Quote:
Originally Posted by granite1
i often think that i must be completely insane and it is completely wrong how i feel about all of it . its like i have two choices either the world is just all messed up and not to be trusted . people are selfish and care nothing about others . out for themselves. or.... i am just a horrible person . i bring out the worst in people being who i am .that im completely selfish and unrealistic in my expectations of other people. i know my T wants me to try and see a middle ground here but i cant seem to .i think someone is a friend and find out differently,i get hurt . and the world falls apart . i dont think i could ever forgive people in my life as a child for not doing anything to help me . i know it flows into my life now but why does it seem to be ok to just be a horrible person treat people horrible and it is accepted . i see it here a lot . it seems to me the more horrible a person is to others the more people flock around that person trying to helpand just accepts that behavior . it seems like this inreal life also
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You mentioned recently that I have stopped sharing about my therapy journey on PC. What you wrote above is why I have stopped. I do not understand the politics or dynamics or whatever of the forum any more than I understand real life.
I am working on forgiving people for not helping me growing up. I look at so many of the "creepy" behaviors I had growing up that people judged me for or were disgusted at me about and realize that all of them, ALL OF THEM, are listed as red flag warnings that a child is being physically and sexually abused. I realize that my feeling of being defective and unworthy, and that being the reason that no one is ever on my side, is incorrect, but it still FEELS that way.
The people I have chosen as my friends in life, as my partner in life, are not people who are willing to engage in conflict for any reason. Conflict, taking my side, makes them so anxious and unhappy and feels so unsafe for them, that they cannot seem to do it. It doesn't mean they are evil, so it must mean I am not worth the effort, right? There is just something fundamentally WRONG with me. That is how it feels to me, and it seems like that is how it feels to you as well. I know you would never tell me that I am just fundamentally defective, and I hope that eventually you can see that you are not either. [I hope for that for me as well. lol.]