yes i am going to see an ALJ... on april 4th..
i filed back in 2012 or 2013... so its been a long wait...

i was looking up what the ALJ uses to qualify as mental disability...
to me it appears that i qualify for the Depression... qualify for the PTSD... qualify for the anxiety... social phobia... just feel like having all of these things in such severe case makes me feel like i dont see how or why she would deny me... but im just afraid and nervous... partly because i have to go to the city... i have to see people i dont know and try to talk about something extremely difficult... the psychologist said that i have avpd traits but didnt diagnose me with avpd... he has it in his notes that i am severely handicapped right now and cant function - all of that... i only have medical records starting in 2011(2012)-present day... because i didnt seek treatment until then and self medicated since i was 13 years old... i now dont self medicate and im afraid they will try to say that the drugs or alcohol are cause of it but i rarely drink or smoke marijuana anymore... maybe a few beers a month and i might smoke once a month if it comes to me but i dont really have access to that anymore...
i dont want to self medicate, i just want to get professional help so i can move forward and get well...
scared they will say that i was not self medicating and that i was just abusing ...
i get so nervous that i slip up and stutter and lose my train of thought and ...

but of course im no lawyer or ALJ so who knows... its really severe and i can't function at all on a day to day basis... i struggle to take care of myself (feeding and bathing) i cant leave the house or go to public... shopping... i have severe social interaction difficulties...

i talked to my lawyer on the phone for about 50 minutes, she went over some questions with me that the judge might (probably) ask ... like why i think i cant work... about my drug use... asked about my disabilities... explain a little about the anxiety and depression... she told me that i have to be direct and i can't be generalized and beat around the bush or anything like that because the judge i have is a justice or something and she's stern and strict but nice and kind as long as i dont annoy her...
that makes me really nervous because when i get anxious it gets increasingly harder for me to be so direct ... but im going to try to keep it short answers as direct as possible and avoid using "maybe, sometimes, i think " ect kinda of statements... but i generalize alot when i talk so its going to be hard...

i honestly cant really remember everything we talked about... i tried so hard to focus and pay attention so i can record it into my hard memory but i just disconnect so much... i hate my brain...

what i did was wrote "limitations" on a piece of paper and spent all night last night writing down a brief summary of what is going on - like how i can't drive because of fear of collisions/accident, have trouble riding in cars... about the depression and how it effects me... causing long episodes of depression lasting for years... and that my current severe depression came back after i stopped medicine last year... although the depression never completely got better.. unable to make myself bathe and eat and stuff... i didnt eat for atleast 5 days in a row in feburary... lost 5 lbs.. no motivation for anything even recreational activities... very low energy and unable to get out of bed sometimes.. suicidal ideation and self harm... very poor mood hopeless desperate scared...
the generalized anxiety, social phobia, panic attacks, avpd stuff how it interrupts my social interactions and makes it near impossible to go out... how i dont have any friends and rarely talk to anyone - only a few close family... never leave the house unless its to dr appointment or close family..

the PTSD ... dissociation, memory blocks, my whole life is blank... 26 years of nothing... besides the few stupid bloody trauma things in my mind that keep reminding me how messed up i am...
triggered by loud noises, being controlled, disputes, specific sounds, flashbacks of some traumas (i cant remember everything..) recurring nightmares, disturbing memories..(my memories mostly consist of pictures.. 1 picture most of the time... cant really see in my mind anything happening.. just a picture...)
im jumpy and startle easy... fear of water, heights, intamacy and have insomnia...
i know there is more to the ptsd but i really have never had any treatment help with it so i dont know you know...

i even put the adhd on the paper.. distracted easily, forgetful, absentminded, daydreams, when reading i randomly trail off on a completely irrelevant thought having to keep re-reading what i just read to try to get it in my head... the weird thing about this is when im off in wonderland thinking about whatever popped in my head i keep reading but im not thinking about it im thinking about whats in my mind so i have to go back and find my place where ever i got distracted at...
it happens when im trying to communicate verbally too...

i put a side note about the somatization... just that my anxiety and depression being so severe causes manifestations of physical symptoms... like GERD... headache... body tension... pains... maybe nauseas and dizzys... (when riding in a car my head starts to spin so bad... its not like being car sick though...)
i dont know if this was somatization but i put it down too... a few times when i guess my mind couldnt handle reality anymore i have lost my vision... lost the ability to speak and walk/move... i was still conscious though and aware of what people were saying around me... i just couldn't do anything... the last time it happen i was able to say im ok .. i cant see... i cant see... im ok.... because my family was panicking... my brother carried me downstairs outside so i could get air and mom got a klonopin for me and i just had to take 5-10 minutes to get back to myself... (i was suprisingly calm during these episodes though... i just figured i disconnected... or dissociated or something...)

i tried to keep all of that brief and to the point ... its just 1 front page of paper...
i thought maybe the lawyer can read it and help me... maybe the judge will read it too..? that way maybe i dont have to try to explain too much...? but i dont know because i feel like the judge is going to want me to verbalize everything for the court recorder thing...
will these brief notes help anything...?

i am in severe distress and really need treatment bad... i dont want to live like this anymore you know? i cant live like this anymore... i just want to get well and have a life... a future.... a place in the world... but its impossible for me to invision any of that currently... i dont want to die, i just dont wanna live like this...
i just want help

i hope that thing doesnt happen where i lose my vision and ability to stand/move and talk... it hasn't happened in a while... maybe a year...

but i try not to put myself in distressing situations because i dont want to experience any of those things... i just stay in my room and away from triggers and any kind of provoking situations...
just going to the city and being in public and talking about these things and... its so much stimulation...

im thinking about trying to ask my aunt for one of her klonopin... she has given me one before if she had enough...
would this hurt my case...? if they ask about it would it be bad to tell them that my aunt gave me an anxiety medicine to help me...? since its illegal to take someone elses/give them to others...?

sorry about these lengthy posts... i've never been so nervous/afraid before... about something that i WANT and NEEED to do...

will the judge ask me about the traumas in detail...?
will she ask me about self harm or want to see my scars...?
i know im working myself up more than i should but i really cant help it and im really trying hard to be calm and collected... just afraid that something is going to go wrong ... i honestly have no options left... if this falls through... i just cant live with this...

thank you for reading my lengthy nonsense... and offering advice... i appreciate it...