I am so sick I don’t know what to do. this is my first time posting here or to any kind of site or forum. I have been trying to deal with my depression and anxiety for over 15 years now, ever since I accepted it and decided to get help. But it has never been as bad as it is now. I have come to terms with the fact that I’ve been depressed since childhood and I’ve never taken it as seriously as I do now. I’m a 38 year old male and I have no hope left. Mental illness has completely destroyed my life from the inside out. I know I am not alone, and the only reason I’m still here is for the love of my family. I want to die so badly, but the thought of what my death will do to my loved ones keeps me soldiering on everyday through the despair. I’ve completely lost the ability to feel joy. I put on a fake smile for strangers and especially for my daughter (almost two years old) but I’m completely dead on the inside. My days and nights are racked with fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. Insomnia rules my nights and I’m am walking dead all day. I see no other way out. I recently spent two weeks in the hospital for the first time, and shortly after I completed a month-long day-hospital program for mental health. I see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist also. I try to latch onto the concepts and suggestions in therapy, but I can’t make them stick. I wish and beg (and if I was religious I would pray) for some natural cause to take my life (cancer). I know how ignorant that sounds, but I mean it with every fibre of my being. If I could give my life to someone suffering and dying in a cancer ward I would do it in a second. Someone who could go on to enjoy a great life and be happy. For some reason I think that my family (especially my children) would be able to cope easier with a father who died of a disease rather than from suicide. It’s sick, but that’s what goes through my head. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today, but I’m not hopeful. Meds just make my situation way worse. I am one of the unfortunate few who is so sensitive to any kind of chemical. Side effects are intolerable, and my insomnia and death thoughts get way worse. I am going to ask her today about ElectroConvulsiveTherapy. It sounds terrible, but I am so desperate. I have nothing left inside. My brain is so foggy and confused I feel like I have dementia. I have found through therapy that talking and being honest helps for a short time. so here i am.