It sounds like he's in a place that makes him more of a liability than a blessing. I tend to filter reality through my imagination/wishes/fantasies but that's a lousy place to live. Even though he is your partner and your child's father he doesn't prioritize basic safety or reasonableness. He will clean, but he shows anger. He is mean, and you apologize. He does not value your contributions to the family. There is no incentive for him to mature or change into a fair-minded, trustworthy, responsible man. It is easy to drink, stay out, blame others, take risks, be needy. You are the rock in this relationship and you sound like an awesome person and mother. I suggest that you discover what you want for yourself and make an exit plan. Your partner will always be Jude's father, he may love you both, but right now he is not acting like it.