What I am just begining to see at a gut level is just how much I live in a perpetual state of PSTD. Its like groundhog day, I relieve the past on every level and live in fear of the day because the day is yesterday and Ive not been able to see the reality of TODAY.

The more i see this the more I realise what a slow progress recovery is going to be. For me its going to be about learning new experiences so that I feel safe in the future.

Learning that what happened in the past wasn't normal and isn't something one has to experience on a daily basis.

I didn't realise how much I live in a dissociative state, I thought I was in reality, but I understand now that I live in the shadow of the past and then add some fantasy to it to try and gain some control over something thats already happened.

Now and again I register the enormity of how effected my perceptions have been and I get a moment of clarity but its scary too. It feels almost like I will become the hole in the doughnut if I let go my emotional baggage.

But with time and the right people in our lifes I believe there is hope.