Have not been in the best frame of mind lately. The SI has been ever present and I have been isolating myself from my wife and kids. Today at therapy was a very hard time. My T was asking me a lot of questions about my family and I was not happy with the answers I was giving. She asked if I loved my kids and I said no. Then she asked if I wanted to be married and again I said no. I felt like the worst person in the world when I said this. I just feel so pathetic. I just feel like my family would be better off without me. They got along just fine when I was in the hospital. My T said that she thinks I am just looking for a way to be single so that I can act on my SI plans. I am just so frustrated right now. The memory problems I am having from ECT are not getting better. My pdoc won't let me go back to work yet and I hate to admit he is probably right.

I just feel like maybe this is all in my head and I am just making it all up, that I really don't have depression. I am just bringing it all on myself and should be able to snap out of it.

Or maybe I should just get the guts to disappear.

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