This is long. Just no way to explain my situation briefly.

I have quite a number of stressors and am wondering if I am capable of fixing my life or I am always going to fail. I didn't used to be this way. I worked for 15 years as a critical care nurse and loved my job but the day my abusive BF came to the hospital and threatened to kill me there I totally lost it. I was abused for 2 years but work was my safe place. That day I realized there was no safe place. I was unable to concentrate to care for my patient and left to go to a domestic violence shelter. I wasn't even able to give a coherent report on my patient. My mind was scrambled from that moment and I have never been able to regain my functioning. Actually things got even worse after that day because I came home from the shelter after 2 weeks when my BF agreed to go to counseling (which didn't work). Long story of events edited here for brevity but one year later I shot and killed him because I didn't want to die. Trust me this was a VERY last resort; even the trooper said he understood why I had to do it. Then followed a severe depression of guilt and confusion where I slept 12-16 hours/day and was always stoned when I was awake to numb the pain.

Okay so that is WHY I am now loco but I cannot seem to function still. I used to be an excellent advocate for my son (learning disability & mental illness) but after my BF's death it was all I could do to keep him fed. Since then he has failed nearly every class. Last year a social worker came to my house and told me my child could be taken away from me because of the condition of my house. Nothing changed except my child is now 18 so CPS no longer is a threat. The condition of my house is deplorable. It is difficult to walk because of the trash, clutter and god knows what that is 1-3 feet deep in every room. I have insect infestations and creatures living in my house. In the past week I have seen lizards, mice, and a snake (non-poisonous). Fortunately I am not afraid of them but still it is distracting when I wake up at 4am and hear some creature burrowing or whatever they do behind my dresser and I think okay I'm fine with you there but please don't get in bed with me. I have learned not to eat in bed and sleep with the food any longer since I woke up when a mouse was running up my back. The clutter is so bad that I can no longer exit my back door. There were cobwebs in the sugar this morning and I was like, well nobody probably ever died from cobwebs so I put a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee anyway. I haven't been able to cook in my kitchen for months; my son and I eat every meal out. I can't even find the dishes anymore beneath all the clutter. I desperately need help cleaning but the girl I had before was a thief. My son says I am just lazy and should clean it up but it isn't that simple. I make goals and seldom carry through.

To complicate things since I have become menopausal I now sleep usually 2-4 hours/night and am soooo tired all the time. I have talked to my doctor, tried many different meds (am also bipolar), talked about sleep studies but for whatever reason it hasn't been done. Because of my fatigue/laziness/mental illness/whatever I have been missing appointments with both my own and my son's doctors, unable to regularly attend a 4 hour outpatient therapy program so was discharged, can't even keep my meds refilled consistently.

But anyway, (are you still reading?), I am totally overwhelmed by all this plus a defiant teen and the anniversary of my BF's death is this month which always is very stressful. So my therapist suggested I get away and do something fun for a change. I decided to go to a motel in an area that I would like to visit. Great plan. But then when I tried to pack a suitcase yesterday I can't even find a week's worth of clothing because of the clutter. It's not like I don't have clothing, trust me I buy new clothes all the time because I can't find them in the clutter and the cycle repeats. So last night as I couldn't sleep I was in despair because I am unable to go on a much needed trip and then I started worrying about my animals (horse, dog, cats). In June of this year my son was being a total %#@&#! and wouldn't respect me even when I told him I was on the edge of insanity, don't push me and his response was FU, FU, FU and I had to go drive my car for two hours to get away because I was having a strong desire to beat the little %#@&#! until he was bruised and bleeding which I know wouldn't really help things but would probably get me into jail. Things weren't getting any better with my son and I have have very little support system so I said %#@&#! the world, thought about suicide, got drunk but ended up checking myself into a psychiatric hospital for a week. Of course I was fed up with everybody so I didn't tell anybody where I was and I ended up being listed as a missing person with the state police. My son didn't even miss me until I had been gone for 3 days. I had left plenty of food for the animals on the porch thinking when he realizes I am gone/dead/other he will feed them. Wrong. The horse has a field so he was okay but my 15 year old dog looked bad when I came home. So now even if I could get my %#@&#! together I don't know that I can trust my son to be responsible to feed the animals if I did take a break.

I have been crying today for the first time in a long time. I am totally overwhelmed and don't have a clue how to fix my life. At this point I don't even know if it can be fixed and I wonder if I should just give up. It sounds so simple to fill a trash bag and clean the house but I start and then falter. Did I mention I am overwhelmed?

I am running out of hope here.