ilikecats -- I do think focusing on your guilt or trying to label your behavior in different ways isn't likely to help. If anything, I'd say it'll increase the shame and the self-loathing and then lead to a cycle of feeling like crap --> something else triggers that feeling --> the behavior gets repeated again.

I have zero judgment about what you did (not that my or anyone else's opinion on this should count).

But, I WOULD urge you to try and look at yourself as compassionately as possible -- my guess is that you're experiencing some significant need / void that feels unbearable to deal with on your own and without your T nearby.

Can you really let yourself go to that place of significant vulnerability / need and just try and look at it with kindness?

I don't think there's any great moral value to be had in disclosing this to your T -- if you want to address this stuff but don't want to mention driving past etc, you could talk about it in terms of that need / vulnerability and how much you feel like you can't cope with it without her? And, so what can you both do to help you deal with that?

Either way, I think dumping a whole lot of labels on your behavior is pointless and counter-productive.