I have a lot of the same feelings as you do and know how terrible they are. I too was just recently in the hospital again and did ECT for the second time. It seemed to help for a little while but then the memory problems got really bad so I had to stop. I also was in the process of switching to MAOI meds so there were a few weeks when I was on nothing at all. So the bad feelings started to return and I am back to feeling really low and wanting to die.
Really think about ECT before you do it. I have done it twice now and the results never seem to last and I get very frustrated with not being able to remember things. I have to use a gps to get anywhere because I can't remember how. I had to google where 7-11 was because I couldn't remember. I forgot my one son's birthday and my anniversary. It is not fun.

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