I completely understand, you are a good person and you are only trying to soothe your longing to be closer to T. I agree with awkwardlyyours that focusing on your guilt can make it a bigger deal. The way I got over my own similar curiosity is by getting bored of it, and getting fascinated by something else and too busy to focus on the guilt/curiosity. Not sure if this works for you but just wanted to share and send you some support and hugs.