I am sorry to hear of your struggles, but as has been said - you are not alone. I share many of the same feelings, but somehow I know that I've never taken much solace in that someone else shared in my symptoms, except I knew that I wasn't "crazy" and that it wasn't just me. However, that still doesn't get us to an answer on how to get 'better' or to 'fix it'. It took me a long time to figure out that sometimes, you just can't fix it. It is who I am. It is the life I lead. I might never feel happy or good. I might always have these feelings and thoughts of how it would be easier or a relief if I just stopped having these burdens. But, somehow, I wake up everyday. I do what I need to do to survive. I've been hospitalized too. That scared me enough to avoid that situation again, but if anything it made me withdraw.

For many of us, there is no 'fix'. There is no magic pill to make it all go away. I too am incredibly sensitive to medications. They make my symptoms 100x worse. And that isn't just anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. I took a cough suppressant recently and holy heck, my depression spiraled so badly I didn't think I would climb my way back to the surface.

All I'm saying is -- I am glad you are talking. I am glad you are here. I hear you when you say you don't really have anything left. But, somehow you are existing. There is something keeping you here. I found accepting THIS level of functioning and not TRYING to force myself to meet some standard of 'normal' has really helped. My relationships suffer but I do worse without one so I have remarried. My husband often tries to tell me I need to be committed. I need to seek help. But, one day hopefully he'll see this is my normal. I won't ever be 'happy'. I won't ever stop feeling like this. But, that's ok. I know how to do this. I do it every day. I wake up and put on my mask and go to work and then I come home and take it off and I just am 'me' again.

*hugs* Sometimes, the only person that can keep you here is you. It can be a tiring fight. It can be a taxing fight. I found horses are my outlet. I own 5. Which, yeah, is pretty crazy. But, they are the only thing that pulls me out of this fog. When I am with them, its like nothing else exists in my life. For those few hours I am with them, everything fades and I have nothing but horses and fresh air and life. So, maybe you can find something like that. When I drive away from the horses, everything crashes back down on me but at least, for a short while, I had something. To distract me. To heal me, if only for a moment.

Keep talking. Keep waking up every day. Keep moving. You are special as you are. Don't try to be who you're not. I'm not saying to settle for these feelings but I also think for many of us, it is that unattainable 'happy' feeling that we are told to strive for that wrecks us. The minute I stopped trying to be what I'm not, the easier it was for me to not feel that pressure to change.