A lot of fear will be expressed here (at least I can see it). So if you don't like fear, do not continue.

I'm not at all sure I should post this. I have expressed similar thoughts before on this forum. I just repeat myself. Maybe I should just keep my own counsel. Obviously there is a lot of fear still, and I am dumping it on you.

Eeek! Scream! Waaah!

OK, I'm back. Sort of. The fear causes me to lose touch with my real thoughts and I feel confused. Writing things out helps me to organize and understand what I am doing.

For those of you who have been "abused" in one way or another (maybe that is everyone here; otherwise why would you be in therapy), how many of you have therapists who are willing to go into the terrifying stuff with you and don't shy away from it?

How many have therapists who do shy away from some of the buried stuff?

Of my therapist, I am not sure. He is encouraging when I tell him about my own efforts to explore the things that are frightening me, but then sometimes in session when I feel I am nearing something important, he says something that results in my losing track of it, something that gets me off track. I feel maybe he does not want to deal with some things. Maybe he senses something coming up that causes him anxiety. Maybe if he started to realize "the truth" (as I see it), he would panic because it is so daunting...

Here's one example. It may seem silly and trivial to you. At the end of a recent session, after I had talked a lot about things that were making me anxious, with "real" thoughts beginning to surface, I found myself shaking a little. I told him about it, and he said he had noticed something. He asked if it were because it was cold in the room. It was, only somewhat. I told him that I didn't think that was the reason.

After the session, it occurred to me what a "dumb" thing that was to ask me. OF COURSE my shaking was not due to the temperature. It wasn't a MISTAKE that I brought the subject up. Did he not want to see what was coming up?

On some level I already "know" the answers to the questions that I am posing. It's that I'm afraid of them, and my mind tries to avoid. I need to confront my T with my concerns. To some extent I have. His response is not clearcut. At least, I don't see it clearly. And if he is sometimes trying to avoid seeing the truth, as I am, what then? Sometimes I feel like quitting (running away). I wonder if I have the maturity now to cope with what I perceive may be the truth, whether I stay or run...