These worries stem from an argument my bf and I had a few days ago. Now before anyone starts saying he's this or that, I said some horrible things too. Finally we decided to just stop, we love each other, we're both sorry, now we're going to move on. But something he said has been eating at me. He said that relationships take work and that's my problem with everyone I've pushed away in my life. He said he's read my msgs between friends and family and I just chase everyone off with one of my moods or hypo rants. And he's right. Just a few weeks ago, my friend had to block me on text because I was hypo and just going on and on. I've blown up on people during depressions or dysphoria. And many of times, I've scared people off by opening up about my illness. And our current problem is me being unable to get comfortable with his kids after a quick romance and moving one of his sons in my home with us. I'm having a hard adjustment period here. I feel like a monster! Thanks to meds I am "okay" as of today (take it day by day is what I do). Will I ever be able to edit what comes out of my mouth? Edit my thoughts? My emotions? I feel like when I do these things, I'm out of control. And yes I wake up the next day feeling stupid. I'm aware that I don't have many people left to count on but I wasn't aware that it was all my doing and my illness. And if I'm that bad of a person, what does that say about how I treat my bf? I admit when I'm in the moment, I'm unaware of what consequences my words will have. I feel so hurt right now and smacked with a huge realization. If I go on like this anymore I really won't have anyone left. Will and when I stop these actions? How can I make myself a better person? [emoji22] I don't even know how to live with myself right now.

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