In the last few days, I've had more "time" with T through in person, phone, and email communications than I ever have. I guess things were reaching a crisis point so he's had a greater presence in my life right now. We had our regular hour session Tuesday. Then I fell apart on Wednesday due to ongoing events with my husband (we are trying to divorce), called my lawyer, got support and legal advice from her, then she contacted my T and must have said something to get him to pursue me (probably "sunny is a basket case, go help her"), and he contacted me. I had 4 emails from him (great empathy stuff: "I am thinking about you"), then a short phone call with him projecting more empathy and encouragement. Then a 30 minute phone call yesterday, plus two more emails, and he convinced me to schedule a special 2 hour "urgent" couples session with him this weekend. (He is giving us his personal, weekend time? Yikes.)

All this is from a T who I have only contacted once in the past 11 months by phone for support, and never by email for support. I read here about people phoning up and emailing their T's for support between sessions all the time, and have thought, well, that's great for them, but that is so not my T and I. He has boundaries, I have boundaries, I'm not that needy, blah blah blah.

The recent additional contact with my T has made me realize some things. Like I think, in part, I wouldn't typically contact him because I don't want to seem needy (even if I am). I want to get through each week and see him once, and handle that well, and I wouldn't want him to perceive me as "over-needing" him (even if it were true). I feel like I have some pride and I am strong, and no way would I let him see I can't make it a week between sessions without contacting him. Lately I also have been so stressed out, very down, then pissy as h*ll, frustrated, flinging anger here and there (please duck whoever is in the way), and I don't want him to see me like this. It is not attractive; I have not been pleasant to be around. I don't want to be that way around T. I want to be connected with him, and feeling the warmth of our relationship, and coming to amazing insights with him, etc. I don't want him to see this irritated as h*ll, stressed out, unreasonable, immature ******. I have no cause to be that way with him, as he is a comforting and helpful presence in my life, and I think he shouldn't have to be subjected to the unpleasant me, when it has nothing to do with him at all. I guess I fear that if he sees what is the "real me" right now, he will reject me. Who wouldn't? I would reject me right now--yechhhh. By the time we had our phone call yesterday, some of my desperation had dissipated (no, I was not going to take my kids and flee the state), and the call ended up being one big dump of anger and irritation from me. That can't have been fun for him--I am surprised he did not hang up. I am embarrassed by that call.

I think this whole experience has made me realize I have more walls between me and T than I thought. I really don't want him to see me during this phase. A two hour couples session this weekend? What was I thinking to agree to that? (He talked me into it, rather insistently, in fact, he kept hammering at it. Getting me to agree to it was probably the reason he put up with me for such a long call.) Sigh.