It is strange that you say you see it as an illness and still blame yourself. It is either/or I should think.

Seriously, it is all you but you don't have to feel guilty. Responsibility for your actions increases with control, decreases when you have no control. It works that way for everyone. Everyone loses control. For us, the losing of control is just generally longer and can be more severe. No harm done. Just tell them you lost control very badly. They better accept that. If they don't: their bad. Telling anyone that you have an illness, that you sometimes get "possessed" by it, is far more scary than the truth: it is you, just you, but with no reasonable control.

Not looking at it like this can be especially damaging if you feel stable/balanced , fully in control, but you this lose it. Of course you do: everyone does sometimes when they are stable/balanced. Most just are that way most of the time.

Sorry for the assertiveness, but I have gone to alarm phase red when it comes to psychiatry. I'll challenge current (not that very different from older) practices to the grave.

What now are clinical psychiatrists started off as directors of asylums. I kid you not. And they haven't made much progress. They got lucky that others came up with therapy that actually works: just and only taking meds and learning to cope yourself, without them.