I know the below is long and I am sure most everyone will say ,,, too long to read but I just needed to vent or share my concern and see what others think

I am brand new here and I am Mike , 43 years old and I am divorced with 4 daughters. When married, we lived in CT , then about 5 years ago my ex and my daughters moved to NC. I stayed in CT because of my job and the best thing to try and improve my relationships with my daughters was space. Yes I was a victim of parental alienation. After 3 years in court , the judge finally saw the true side to my ex but it was already too late as they granted the relocation.


Long story short, I finally moved to NC about 6 months ago to be closer to my daughters. I just packed up my clothes and left CT , I knew I was doing the right thing. I first stayed in hotels until I found an apartment , got the apartment and then found a wonderful woman who I started a relationship with. Yes I jumped in but it was finding someone ( support with my transition ) and she made it very easy for me to settle down in a new state and I can say I love her . she is an incredible woman.


I get paid less than 16 an hour at my new job but it's 40 hours a week. I rented a 2 bedroom apartment for my daughters to stay one night and that they can call my home their home even though I never had a sleep over with my daughters for years. I never even had the chance to make them breakfast in the morning or have popcorn and a movie at night. I am a family man , I love children and this all was taken away from me. I never even had a christmas morning with my own daughters since the divorce


My ex still plays games since I moved 30 minutes away, still makes it impossible to see my daughters. I did promise my daughters when I move to NC, there will be no more court ( I know the divorce damaged them mentally ) I told my daughters, I am here , 30 minutes away and that I or you would like to hang out, we will plan it but no more forced nights, weekends etc ( this never worked either when we both lived in CT ) the ex did a great job making me look like the bad one and when it was suppose to my weekend, the girls just ran to their rooms, refused to get into the car and took hours until finally saying, this is insane .


I am paying $700 for a two bedroom apartment , which my daughters after 6 months of me being in NC has yet to even see. The pay rate and my rent ,plus bills makes it very hard to pay child support and I want too. Its not like I don't want to pay child support .


Last week, my electric was turned off because ( personally not good with paying bills financially ) I would be spending time with my GF and I forgot my own bills needed to be paid so my electric got shut off. In order to turn the electric on, I needed $140 which I didn't have. I ( quote unquote ) moved in with my GF for the time being until I can pay it . I didn't even have food to eat at my own apartment, been living on $1.00 cheese burgers and ramon noodles . Now I am facing, should I move in with my GF and pay half rent, half cable , etc etc because I can't afford child support and my own place .


so I have the issue where I moved away from family and friends to be closer to my daughters ( which I know is an awesome thing ) I haven't been to my own apartment in 2 weeks and wasting $700 a month on nothing. My cable and electric bill is now cut off and water is next . I am contemplating moving in with my GF as we just have that connection. I have my own daughters who don't want to see me only to be used to bring them subway for lunch to their school. All other times during the weekend, they say they are busy as my oldest said,,, moving closer to us doesn't help at all ""


the bottom line to all this is,,,, each day I say to myself, what is my purpose . I want a relationship with my daughters but I battled this for 5 years. I love my GF and she has been my rock and she has two daughters of her own so I am around family and both daughters enjoy my company. I havent paid child support, I don't have my own place yet I have a place to live with my GF. I just feel life is one big blur and I wake up, go to work, go home, eat , sleep hang out with my GF and her daughters, go to bed ,, and the same repeats it's self.


I am now to the point where I could care less about work, what does God want from me. I can't prioritize , I don't even know where to begin and feel helpless yet I wake up every morning and go to work. I don't feel like I have any goals, when I do they get crushed ( meaning if I feel I am getting closer to my daughters , the ex finds some way to destroy it and I am back to square one with them )


just feel dazed