Dear Yoda... I so wish a bunch of us could show up at your house and help you right now. I can so relate to your pain and I congratulate you for having the courage to tell your story and reach out for help. Though our stories are different the pain, the overwhelming sensations that paralyze you from doing anything.... so familiar. So painful and draining of all hope.

I want to hug you and tell you that its going to be okay. I want to hold you and assure you that there is light at the end of this tunnel. You will survive. You have survived so much all ready and you will survive this too.

You have made a big step by putting yours story to words here. Keep talking, keeping putting it in the light, keeping asking for help.

I get how overwhelming everything is right now. When I was at my lowest someone asked me to consider what in the mess of it all I had control of. I was blank. She had to tell me I had control of who lived in my house. I had control of whether or not I got out of bed. I had control of who cared for my son. I had control of what I was going to wear that day. I thought it a silly exercise at the time but what it did was empower me to take control of a little more and a little more of things that were overwhelming me. Taking things in small manageable pieces. Setting small goals that you know you can achieve. Brush your teeth. Go to the bathroom. Feed the dog. Small but significant. Small but empowering. Acknowledge what you do no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Celebrate the tiniest of accomplishments. The positive affirmation fills your cup for the next goal on your list.

Your house seems to have gotten beyond your abililty to tackle alone. You need help. You must get that help from somewhere. Your son should be cleaning that place up for you. Short of that he should be asked to leave. Harsh maybe but your health and your future is on the line.

Do you have any family or friends you can ask to help. Organize a house cleaning party. I know you might be embarrassed about it but its not the time for pride to get in your way. You sound like someone who has been pretty independent and hasn't asked for help very often. That's what you have to let go of right now. That's the pressure you have to release yourself from. We can't do this alone. That's the biggest learning many of us have had to make. Our stubborn independance and sense of self sufficiency contributes to our illnesses. It's not helpful.

Please contact whatever agency, doctor, therapist you can to get to listen to you. Expect help and open yourself up to being helped.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Will check back later to see how you are doing. Please keep posting and believing things can be better. I know they can.