I could live with superficial connections if only it got me gigs/jobs. But it's all about actual connections. I really don't want people to know what I think or my actual personality. People have hated me and have been cruel when I pursued them at all. I've been kicked out and smacked in the face for being myself. Obviously I have to be heavily filtered and only have an opinion if I agree. No one needs to know if I disagree.

And whenever I let anyone pretending to be nice in they use and abuse me. My boyfriend's encouraging me to be friends with this one ***** despite the fact that she just uses me to do her homework. I've tried being nice and giving chances, but then I get USED. But I guess I have to be friends with her anyway because that's the best I can do. I mean, we've never hung out where I didn't have to do her homework for her.

I have no idea who it's safe to reveal who I actually am to. Even the person I thought was my "best friend" didn't even like me. She probably just felt sorry for me. Now I wonder if all the "friends" I thought I had just felt sorry for me. I don't know how to explain it, but it just seems like my core as a person has been met with fear and disgust by most people if I actually reveal it. It would be for the best if I created a "stage persona" for relating to other people but I haven't figured out how to make it seem real enough.

And as for topics that I'm faced in conversation a lot of times it's talking about old times where everyone in the group has known each other for years and I just met some (if not all) of them. Which is interesting, but there's not much I can contribute to that if I don't share those memories. Or people just talk about what they're studying in school and if it's not what I'm getting a doctorate in (and they are), I can understand it but I'm not going to know enough to really contribute. I can learn a lot that way, but I can't participate. Or people will just talk about their experiences on cruise ships or in the military and I don't relate. Those sorts of things. It's difficult to join conversations about experiences you've never had.

I'm not even completely sure if I want actual friends or if I just want the connections necessary to get gigs or get a job someday because that's the only way to get a job anywhere. So I just need to be what most people will like. Whether that's truly me or not doesn't matter as long as I perform the role well.