Hans,

32 years ago my father died of his first and only heart attack at the age of 58. Exactly 1 year later, to the day, I had my first panic attack. I felt that I was having a heart attack and that death was imminent. And I was afraid. Of death. Of dying.

The year between dad's death and my attack, I went through very much what you describe: an inability to stop thinking about death. I started hallucinating for the first time – any open expanse of grass became a burial ground and I would watch as smoky shapes would rise from the ground and ascend out of sight. Everything escalated and then came the panic attack and now my anxiety levels seem to increase week by week or even day by day and I'm still afraid of death.

Well, it's not death that really frightens me now. More specifically it's 'ceasing to be.' That's a state of non-being that I can't grasp. I have always been. How is it possible that I will no longer be? It's a type of death, I know, but a 'normal' physical death seems kind of orchestrated by society (even if it begins by being blown apart by a suicide bomber and ends with a small service with no remains) and it's really not even possible to mourn another's self or being.

So when I'm having these days-long panic attacks now, they seem to be deeper or more completely destructive than the old 'fear of death' attacks. But all of them, as varied as they are, have death/oblivion (forgot about that one, something that I can dwell on for weeks – after I die, how long will it be until I am completely forgotten?) as an end.

My mom died when I was young and I was 25(?) when my dad died so I never had the 'opportunity' to fear for my parents death. Mom died in an auto crash so both deaths were sudden and unexpected. I can understand the reasoning in fearing for your parents deaths. This may sound very selfish but I've often wished that my dad died 3 months after being diagnosed with some non-painful yet fatal disease. We had a great relationship but I never asked him all that I would have asked had I known that he was going to check out so early.

I don't have any advice for you, really. If the thoughts become overwhelming or cause sleep loss or anxiety (or hallucinations!) I would look to short-term therapy for relief.

Thirty years ago I thought that fear of death was a phase that everyone goes through... but as I've spoken of it over the years and had others call me weird, macabre, morbid, sick, etc., I've decided that only 10-20% of people have a heart-throttling fear of death. Most people either don't give it much thought, are able to rather easily accept death as a part of life, have a comforting belief in some type of afterlife, offer a combination of reasons or "other." Until recently, I was in the combo column but my two selections were fear of death AND belief in afterlife.

Now I think that I'm really running in the nihilism lane; does it matter and why bother worrying? No, my life hasn't mattered in any big way and, as death is inevitable and 'you' die when your body dies there's no reason to worry.

I'm beyond sleepy. I doubt that this makes any sense. Sorry.