well, its depressing but i honestly dont have any up times anymore...
i fell in love with a girl in late 2006 and had a ... strange ... relationsship for 4 years...
i had a little up time then.. but other than that its been a mess my whole life, my old therapist told me that i dont know what it feels like to be happy... and i guess i agree, but i dunno.. its hard to believe i guess... even for myself... but i guess its kind of true... ever since i was a 4-5 year old things have been pretty messed up... and i dont really have any memories, from back then, or even from this morning.. yesterday... i just cant retain things probably because my mind is stuck on this "forget it all so you dont feel the pain tomorow!!!" kind of mode...

but its ok ya know... just sucks that i fell in love and had 4 years of what i thought was happiness... even though it really wasnt happy, it was more like a "felt a little better" kind of thing.. because she was nice to me and made me feel good, but the things she was doing to me was not good... to put it shortly she had a boyfriend and i guess i was never really her boyfriend even though she made me believe it... i dont even know if she ever felt the same way about me... she says she still has deep feelings for me but obviously she's with this other guy and cant be with me and few days ago she told me that she's not going to contact me anymore because she thinks its messing me up more... but i honestly dont care... like i said im just a bucket of bolts and nuts... all i know is that metalic feeling i guess... just sucks because she was the only real friend i have ever had even though things turned out the way they did...

well im not gonna say anything much more about that because my life is really not an encouraging story... besides maybe the fact that i am still alive... and still trying to be positive and think that maybe hapiness is around the corner

hmm... maybe i shouldn't say any of that... i dunno, i have been deleting all of my posts lately... i gotta stop filtering everything i do.... maybe i have to just accept that i am the way i am and things are the way they are and maybe i will start remembering things again

im not going to delete this message... just dont feel bad for me.... dont need anyone to feel bad for me... it wont help

i know you are having a hard time, if there is anything i can do to help you feel better i would be glad to help... helping others is the only thing that keeps me going...

i wish i had an inspiring life story - grrr... only reason im going to post this is because im tired of being such a mystery... hiding everything... deleting all of my posts... its just so damn depressing i hate telling the truth....

hang in there....