I think it would be really interesting to trade places with my private therapist. She's so calm, and seems too nice, somehow. Like, no one can be that nice! I would like to see what's behind all of that. I don't know much about her, but I do know that her best friend had a brain tumour and died at 42, which can't have been that many years ago because I believe she is still in her 40s. She told me about her friend's death because I mentioned that my aunt died of a brain tumour when she was 50. She's also told me that she grew up in a dysfunctional family and that she was a lot like me in that she liked to observe people, listen to their conversations, and that she was all about intellect and tried to hide her emotions. She says she has worked to change that so her two sons will be more emotionally healthy and it has made her much happier as well. I'd like to talk to her about how she achieved that.

My uni therapist is much more open about her life. However, it is obvious that she is divorced and that it happened sometime in the last couple of years, but she has never said anything about it. I've just picked up on little things that very much point towards that being the case. For example, she doesn't wear a ring, but I know she was married because she did tell me something about meeting her "husband" once. Now she only refers to him in relation to her children, as "their father". Also, I once gave her my favourite example of a Norwegian word that has more than one meaning (most of them do): I told her about "gift" which can mean either "poison" or "married", and she laughed loudly, then proceeded to say something like, "well, actually…" whilst rolling her eyes slightly. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I really want to ask her about her marriage and what happened to it. I hope he didn't cheat on her or something like that. I really hope he wasn't mean to her in any way. (I have thought too much about this, because I love her and I'm pathetic. )

I know she has been in therapy herself, because she's told me a little about that. I know she has been on and off medication, and that she's struggled with severe anxiety, particularly when it comes to her children. She used to be almost paralysed with fear as she would come up with what she refers to as elaborate "fantasies" about what could be happening to them when they weren't with her (if they were at school or similar). She imagined the worst, and had to take something for that as well, to calm down. She says she still does it sometimes when her daughter (who by the sounds of it is like, 19) stays out late, but that she is able to stop it now before it gets out of control. I guess I would like to ask her more questions about that. I know most parents worry about their kids, but this sounds extreme, and I'd be interested to hear exactly why she is like that, if maybe something in her past has caused it.

I would also like to ask her why the f*** she can't just admit that she's dyslexic. Only a dyslexic person could write some of the emails she has sent me! Also, she's always talking about her dyslexic son, and I'm just like, HELLO. The most hilarious thing was when she told me that she didn't learn to read until she was seven, and then claimed it was because she was anxious about it. RIGHT. AND WHY WAS THAT? "But now I absolutely love to read." Because no dyslexic person likes to read? My best friend is very dyslexic, and she studied English literature for her BA!

LOL! Honestly. The woman didn't show up for any of her A-Level exams, because she didn't feel confident enough to take them, which probably wasn't uncommon back then as learning difficulties weren't diagnosed to the extent that they are now.

Here's an excerpt from an actual conversation we had:

Her: "I like to write using different colours." *brings out pencil case full of coloured pens*
Me: "That's very common with dyslexics."
Her: "Oh really? I just like it because I'm like my four-year-old niece that way."
Me: "Right. Of course."

For someone so self-aware, she is deep in denial on this one. The only other adult I know who likes to write with coloured pens is my best friend, and she has explained that it's because it helps her spelling and processing. Black writing on white paper is not dyslexic-friendly.

There are several other signs of dyslexia. She is often badly organised, doesn't use apostrophes when she writes (although her spelling is better in emails than in texts), her vocabulary is extensive but she often misspells very simple words, and she is much better at expressing herself orally. And holy shat is she good at reading people! Feels like she's inside my head sometimes. She's very intuitive, which is what makes her such a great therapist, I suppose. Dyslexics have so many good qualities, and are often very intelligent, which she definitely is. So really, I want to know why she denies being dyslexic when she so obviously is!

Good grief I need to stop now.