I equate feeling vulnerable with feeling powerless and unsafe. I also in therapy have a tendency to hunch over, tense up and not be able to move. I also have to whisper words sometimes to get them out. I think that this is a defensive, protective, freeze response. But it doesn't feel good during or after, it's exhausting, frustrating.

Lately I'm really trying hard to break out of it before it gets too bad. I know I do it because I feel powerless and unsafe, but in reality it doesn't actually give me a sense of power, control or safety. I feel trapped, tense, agitated, disconnected when what I really want is release, relief, comfort, connection.

I've been experimenting with standing up, moving around the room, to combat dissociation. Sometimes when I feel vulnerable now, I find it helps to get up and stand behind my chair or the big desk next to it. Having something solid between me and T, a barrier, that I can also touch and hold on to feels protective and grounding, reducing the unsafe feeling. Moving and standing up gives me a sense of power, control and agency (I don't let T stand up), reducing the feelings of powerlessness.

So I'm still responding to the feelings of powerlessness and danger that being vulnerable evokes in me and the need to act on them, but in a way that doesn't make me shut down, which I think might actually increase the feelings of powerlessness and danger. It's easier to keep talking and keep facing T this way (even though I don't make eye contact she can still see my face, I'm not hunched over/hiding my face). So I'm meeting my defensive need for power/control/self-protection but not in a way that makes it completely impossible to meet my conflicting need for connection, comfort, like I was doing before.

Anyway, it's a work in progress, it's still hard not to tense up, hide and freeze as that is my natural instinct. I hope this all makes sense, I'm really anxious as this is my first proper post!