HI Guys ,

Well its strange that i feel courageous enough to tell you what im going through
it actually feels easier to put a stop to life .
its beyond crushing for me ( well i hope you wont take it against me )as a gay guy who lives in India , wants to have normal life with a partner he loves
but life is not that fulfilling i guess , i always end up feeling so constricted to emotions , be it my family who i lie about my sexuality , my feeling etc so as not to be thrown away like garbage .
i stay alone and sometimes i have difficulty in sleeping , i feel so fragile as i lock myself in my office washroom and will cry for hours
i have someone in my life who happens to be a student , who i try to support in his academic pursuits by taking care of his presentations .but as he lives with his family and is studying hard he rarely finds time for me ,
i trust his integrity and the relationship and im to fight for this with whatever it takes , but he is not convinced as he sees no future and will have to marry as per his parents will. So i have settled for two years of his time , i treat my life a cancer patient who just has two years to live ... but this hopelessness and not fairness of life and questions like why me are breaking my soul apart . i give him alot of calls and he gets irritated , but between you and me he is the only best friend and family i have in a city where i live alone without my family . sincerely hoping you will try understanding however stupid it might look to you all
but sometimes i actually wish to trade death for this life its becoming difficult for me each passing day .i have actually started liking being alone in room so much . i hate going outside and seeing happy couples because thie endless despair is actually killing me .