Another mostly sleepless night last night where I couldn't stop thinking of ways out of this depression and failing at all of them. Seeking hope but finding only dead ends.

It is not like I don't have people that care about me or would miss me or feel guilty or would be in pain if I left. My coworkers would miss me most because they have the most contact with me. Still I've been a **** at work for more than a month now so for some of them it might be a relief or at least they would finally have a sense of understanding as to what has been going on with me.

I have some close friends almost family, but they are far away and I don't have much contact with them any more. Really only a few days at Christmas and sometimes Easter. I will likely see them this weekend.

They are very close and I think will be hurt the most. But their grief will be mitigated by the fact that there isn't must contact with me already. They will miss me a couple of times a year, and probably be in shock for a few weeks or more.

Family is friendly but estranged. It would would be a while until they even found out... no one really knows who they are or how to contact them... and when they did find out it would likely be a topic of discussion rather than any tears shed.

Same with the clubs I am in. No real bonds there, it would probably be gossip more than anything else.

I'm not worried about a will or funeral, I don't have anyone to really care about that stuff. (the last time I was suicidal ten years ago I did leave a note and a will but none of those people are in my life anymore. I don't care what happens to my stuff... And I can't imagine my coworkers milling about at a funeral for me... that would be pathetic)

So here's the thing... Of the people who would truly suffer from missing me, causing them pain for a few weeks or more. I've already been in terrible emotional and physical pain for more than three months with this. Why is it worth all of the fighting every minute and not sleeping and suffering every day and trying to struggle through my job and failing miserably and being angry at everyone and all of that suffering... to spare several other people a few weeks or even months of grief? I can't do anything this weekend because of the friends that are in town... If I tip then off then there WOULD be guilt if I were to do something. If they visit I'm telling them I'm still recovering from my pneumonia as an excuse for my being tired and lethargic. They didn't even know I had pneumonia... That is how close I was to them.

And I'm trying but I can't find any reasons for hope for myself otherwise.