Quote:
Originally Posted by disparaissant
I don't know. I wonder myself where it comes from. I know it has a lot to do with what I experienced in life. THe self hate anyways. Depression once was said to me to be pride out of control. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That it was selfish of me. That all I was doing was thinking of myself. I didn't believe it. I still don't buy that all. I know being depressed we do think of ourselves obviously, but I also think of everyone else's life that I'm affecting by how I'm feeling and behaving. It affects those around us. I don't know how to change the self hate thing, I have yet to figure that out. But I don't think it has anything to do with narcissism.
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There's also some 3rd-rate kindergarten jingle that says that "depression is anger turned inside out."
I tend to ignore any sort of attempt to boil something as complex as depression down to a short phrase that claims to be reducing the stock until it becomes solidified.
I don't believe that my depression or self-loathing (or anyone's) have a thing to do with pride, anger, narcissism, etc. I have never taken the time needed, I suppose, to get to the 'root' of my depression/self-hate but, yeah, there may be some self-anger there, but narcissism? Please.
Lost in deep thoughts (by Jack Handey) last night, I did write that my
isolation is narcissistic and selfish. How could it not be? Everything is about me in my closed world. I'm frightened of others. I don't know if I wrote this here or in my journals, but I am especially afraid of women (maybe distrustful should be first but afraid is equally true) because I've been hurt more frequently by women than men. Women are demons, normally resident in Hell, that exist only to capture the souls of men. I don't trust men, either, of course. I don't know if I've written this here, but I think that most men have the morals of enlightened swamp sludge that only exist to drag the souls of women back into the swamp so that they drown forever.
Bring men and women together and you pave the way for the propagation of immoral demonic slime.
Isolation, while fearsomely and bone-crushingly lonely, protects me from most contact with others. But not everyone who is depressed isolates, at least not to the extent that I, and many others, do.
I'm not willing, for example, to wheel my ravaged and mutilated body out on the dance floor to participate in some sort of grotesque wheelchair "dancing." The thought of that is repugnant. Is it because I've too much pride? Or because I'm only interested in myself? Yeah, there's some of that at play in dealing with that kind of situation. But self-pride doesn't fill the bottle. Self-shame. Self-disgust. Self-hatred. Is anyone unwilling to shame themselves guilty of being self-absorbed? Should they all be diagnosed with a mental illness? How ridiculous.
I'm not making sense any longer – the premise of this thread makes me angry and I seem to get ever angrier as I read that first message again and again. My blood sugar is low and I need to eat.