Many actions and behaviors we display certainly stem from fear. Has someone close to you ever exhibited behavior that is hurtful to you? My boyfriend seems to do this to me sometimes. It makes me fearful of him when I attempt to express my feelings or thoughts regarding our relationship. I tend not to even begin the conversation if he asks, “What’s wrong?” dismissing his concern to avoid any negative consequences if I don’t respond with, “Nothing Honey.” I have learned (or been programmed) that I have to be very careful not to challenge him when I need to talk. Quite often, his natural response is to raise his voice to a level that would not be acceptable to anyone in any situation, and if things go far enough, he will certainly hang up on me if I am talking to him on the phone, or sometimes he has even just kicked me out of the place he is staying. The situation makes me so fearful of expressing my true thoughts and emotions with him. It is seems to always go wrong, no matter what I say.

In reality, I think I need to ask myself, “What is he afraid of?”, “What is his inner motivation for responding to this in this way?” He may be afraid of conflict and have no well-developed skills for dealing with conflict. Is he insecure about himself and his own feelings? What motivates him to be so forceful in his attempts to have no one ever display any sense of displeasure with his behavior?

He does not many friends per say, just I also do not. He reacts the same way with his Mother, Sister, and any relationship he has had with any woman. He is currently what I would consider to be estranged from both his Mom and Sister at the current moment. He hasn’t spent any time with them in quite a while, and what a close knit small family they have been in the past. His fear, whatever it stems from, has just about sabotaged every relationship he has ever had. The recent past has been getting better. I am able to express my feelings somewhat more to him and have it be a positive experience; however, the conversation cannot last more than a few moments before he begins to feel frustration.

Do you have someone in your life that exhibits self-sabotaging behavior in their relationships and the relationship they share with you? A challenge you can give yourself, which I am also going to give a try the next time this happens with us, is to ask yourself, “What fears may cause them to act as they do.”

What fears do you think cause Shane to act as he does?

How should his fear affect the way I respond to him?

Your thoughts and similar experiences are very welcome.