Currently my therapy group is on a two weeks break, so I try to figure this out on my own right now.
Part of the fear is that I want to change, but I am afraid I can't do it. I am afraid of disappointing myself. And then I often think if I change my behaviour, while the "true" me deep inside would have acted differently, isn't that cheating? Like people could find out in a weak moment that I am actually different. I want to be honest.
Yes, I suffered emotionally when I was little and I am pretty scared of the impact it had on my psyche. I'm also afraid that therapy doesn't make it go away and that I am too weak to do it all by myself. I plan on talking about this to my T when he comes back, but for now it really has to go somewhere. It's like I've accumulated so much pain and unsolved problems during the first 20 years of my life that 6 years of independence seems not enough to solve it. (I am 26, moved away from my family when I was 20, never had anyone that I could trust and talk to back then, my mom tried but she had too many problems herself)