How do I change? No therapist in the world can make me change. I have to make these changes I want. I feel as though I'm pretty much failing everyone these days but mostly I'm failing myself. There is something very seriously wrong with my head. I strive to attain so much and yet simultaneously destroy much of it. I'm sick of my behaviour and of me. I feel every professional is looking on and waiting for me to do something different. Why can I not do that? But worst is that I'm upsetting my family. Actually I'm upsetting myself to. But I also really angry. I am so angry I want to scream. I'm angry at myself for not moving my life forward despite having so much offered to me.

All I need to do is go one week being healthy. My one goal asked of me by my family who are worried. Just to allow myself to become a little bit more healthy physically. It isn't as though I can't go back to self destruct if I really wanted to after and yet...I want and dont want to do this one week. I want to so much but clearly not enough.

I go to therapists in the hope they can help me want to. But I am sick of hearing simplistic ways to be kind to myself. My huge problem is doing them, actually implementing them! I want help with that. The other day I was told that to regulate my anxiety I need to notice what the symptoms are and help myself. So if I have a dry mouth, have a sip of water. I couldn't help but smile at that but sadly, because my head does this - yay I'm thirsty, how thirsty can I make you? Lets see how miserable this can get!....what is wrong with me that that way of thinking is my go-to? Still. After all these years repeating the same behaviour over and over, you'd think I'd learn it doesn't help in any way.

I'm miserable. I continually do things that make me miserable. I'm scared of letting go of that and being fully involved in my life without having a self destruct going on in the background. I don't know what terrible thing I fear may happen but it must be a pretty big one to continue on like this.

I don't think any therapist will help me until I change this. I had hoped a therapist would teach me how to change but they seem to think giving me skills means that I can somehow implement them. Is there not a skill for doing the implementing or is that just 'I have to' thing. Problem is, I already know the answer to this. I asked a therapist this once - I asked for help because I knew will power alone wouldn't be enough...or it would become a type of willpower that'd end up hurting me another way.. but I was told the only answer is willpower. But which willpower wins out - healthy or self-destructive and which do I trust? It seems obvious to choose the healthy one but it isn't that obvious really.

You know when you have to leap into the unknown...how to do you feel safe when doing that? You'd think I was changing everything by what I'm writing....all I have to do is stop the self destruct behaviour for one week to give me a chance. This doesn't make sense does it... I have some fears of what may happen. I need to test to see if those fears are real but what if they are? Oh I don't know. I'm being utterly ridiculous.