i would miss you... i appreciate your words and wisdom...
even if there isnt anyone in real life that cares about you, you are important to atleast a couple people here...

i dont know what hope is, but i try to not let this demon trick me into thinking i would be better off dead... i try to think of it like a computer virus, i have had alot of weird computer viruses, the weirdest one made my CD drive open repeatedly...
they are weird, usesless and make no sense, serve no purpose but to cause annoyance and grief... this is what depression is to me... its a virus... and there are many effects it has, including my cd drive :/
trying to trick me into thinking i need to disappear and die is one of them... but that is terminal and it would fix the virus, but it would destroy the computer as well... and computers are expensive... valuable... useful... serve many purposes... our bodies and minds are valuable too... even if they aren't top of the line CIA type super computers... even small simple slow old style calculators are useful...
just have to try to find the niche... what our computer (selves) are useful for... are good at... and try to focus the use on those things... until we can come across some good antivirus to get rid of the infection...

well... most of the time when i get a real computer virus i format the hard drive to just wipe everything clean ... but then have to start completely over on rebuilding all of the data i had stored... i dont kknow how to format my brain, although i dont hold much data in it because i forget so much... so im still trying to figure out an equivalent method to get rid of a virus in the mind as formatting... without losing everything that is up there... which formatting isn't the same as terminating.. but the only thing i found to do yet is not healthy... i end up getting drunk and high most of the time, which is like a hard reboot... and that doesnt remove the virus, but stalls it out for a few hours till it restarts and the software starts wreaking havoc on my hardware again...

i wish i knew an answer, a solution, all i know is that we have to try to rely on the professional help because sometimes its hard to understand these viruses...

wow, i have comfuzed myself with this ... metaphor...
im sure it probably doesnt make any sense and probably has a hundred meanings you could take from it, but dont throw everything away... you are valuable...

i should just delete this message, its a scrambled mess... but i want to help you and i want you toknow that i care and would miss you ...
sorry i took a few pills so my brain is not working ... i dunno what im trying to say...
please take a small positive hug from this stupid message...